Post Christmas Blues

The good news is (besides Jesus being born and bringing salvation to the world) we survived the Christmas holidays. Husband took time off of work, which meant the four of us were together straight for 18 days from morning till night - the longest time we have spent together since we met 8 months ago. Looking back now I can honestly say it made a huge difference and raised the question whether we should have done that at the beginning... Despite what many adopters said to us we agreed with our SWs that the boys needed structure so they went straight into school a few days after they moved in.

We were prepared for the worst; not just by SWs, Play Therapists and other experts, but also fellow adopters. The general consensus was: LAC DON'T DO CHRISTMAS! Well, I am happy to say this is not true!

In general I can say we had a very OK time, even lovely at times. That's not to say we didn't have meltdowns and tantrums that were rooted in their horrible past, but all in all we had a very pleasant time - even hubby agrees who could take the xmas break for what it's supposed to be: a time of rest. (you know, we, stay home mums don't count as we 'rest during the days, every day in fact, when the kids are in school' anyway...)

We tried to stick with some structure that involved breakfast, play time, lunch, go outside, film, dinner, play, sleep. Depending on the weather we swapped these around, but we did go out almost every day except Xmas Day when we all had a Pyjama Day. Husband used to take Goofs (6) to a nearby country park every time he had aggressive outbursts to burn off some anger. We drove past said park one day and he recognised it. Oddly he didn't attach negative feelings to it, it was only a matter-of-fact remark (a child after my own heart! :) ). Snoops (7) has never been there and asked if we could go as a family. We did and I am happy to say this is the boys' favourite place to go now! Lots of adventures to have, ponds, secret paths, mud, sticks, animals, ice to break...

We also allowed them to watch cartoons on a laptop every morning (normally they get it on the weekends only) to ensure parents can have a sleep in, which worked extremely well! Because hubby is the baker in the house, he decided to try some new bread recipes with the boys. Goofs especially enjoyed channelling his anger into kneading bread! The results were oh so delicious! :)

Naturally we were slightly apprehensive before Xmas Day. On Xmas Eve after they went to bed 'Santa came' meaning he finished the mince pies and milk and left the presents under the tree while Rudolph ate the carrot and accidentally knocked down some decorations (Bad Rudy, bad bad Rudy!) As any parent, you are nervous because of the presents you got hoping they are the right ones and they would be 'enough'. Last year the FC wanted to 'cheer them up after the adoption breakdown' so she went way overboard with the number and value of presents. We knew we can't match that and frankly, we didn't want to either! To be honest we knew they will break any toys within a day anyway, plus we want to teach them what's really important - ambitious goals for our first family Christmas!

Boys were ecstatic to come down on Christmas Day. Goofs' first comment ('Last year we got a lot bigger presents!') came from a place of honesty so we couldn't really be upset with him. Thank God it was quickly replaced by more excitement as they emptied their stockings and opened their presents. I think they got a lot more presents than ever before considering all our extended family members and some of our close friends got them things, which they all labelled as With love from... It's great, but it also looks like Mummy and Daddy got them nothing as everything else was from Santa... :)

 Boys got mugs with special markers to decorate them. Goofs didn't waste time in drawing a happy family of four on it! I showed this pic to his therapist with a question 'Do you think he feels securely attached now?' This is the same boy who had had really nasty angry outbursts, threw things out the window, attacked us violently not very long ago! The therapist just cried... (of joy I hope!)

Daddy, too, went slightly overboard this Christmas. We decorated the house excessively on the first of December (which was a training day for teachers anyways), the tree was up a few days later and xmas music was loud all around the house all month. Aaaand then came the traditional Xmas Dinner. Hubby cooked for 10 people at least so food was falling off of the table even with the extension! :) The boys really enjoyed the big fuss and had a great time! Happy wife child means happy life, indeed!

We played endless amount of Lego and with their new Snakes and Ladders board game. Boys are learning now that 'it's just a game, no need to cry if you loose'; 'it's ok to laugh at other's bad luck, no need to punch them in the face'; 'you are not stupid if you can't roll a 6, it's just about luck'...etc. Again, happy to say they made huge progress in these areas and we can also see how this new knowledge translates into other areas of their behaviour! Amazingly the violent reactions they cultivated towards each other for seemingly small issues (like who brushes their teeth first) are now reduced to a short exchange of words - they still need parental supervision and decision making, but this is definitely a massive step in the right direction!

We even risked a sleepover party at our friends' place on New Years Eve! Boys behaved really well, went to bed around 9pm upstairs so parents could enjoy a fun evening to finish off the year with friends and grown up games! Yay!!!

Going back to school is another trigger for challenging behaviour and again, we were nervous. The boys had such a good time off school we didn't know how they will take it. As it turns out we didn't have to worry. Boys were happy to go back, see their friends, compare notes on who got what presents, even to 'learn new things' (!!! WHAT???).

And to top it off, 2 nights ago Goofs was brushing his teeth after dinner and said: 'mummy, I am dfghshj...' I said 'what?' He spit into the sink, looked at me through the mirror and said 'mummy, I am so happy I have a real mum now' and went back to brushing his teeth. He played it really cool and I didn't correct his terminology. :)))

It was a lovely moment, but we have learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt. Yesterday he smacked his brother with a big book leaving an ugly mark on Snoops' face and when I grabbed his hand to stop him doing it again he started shouting at me saying 'you are nasty, nasty and I hate you so much!' 

There! This is my post Christmas blues...
Hopefully 2017 will work out better!

Face/Off

If I wasn't talking about my son, as a bad joke I would say: Could the person who took our angry, aggressive and utterly difficult Goofs and replaced him with his sweet, cuddly, compliant and all around lovely 6 year old identical twin please KEEP him and never return??? :)

After last week's blog post (which is really usually a week or two behind real time for obvious reasons) I am happy to say things are changing. We are still unsure of the 'whys', but some of the new developments we really enjoy!

2 weeks ago on Friday at 9.05 am I got the dreaded call from school: "mrs X, Goofs had an accident and bumped his head. Could you please collect him?' Turns out school is really not that far when you run like Usain Bolt... Poor little boy had a massive bump on his tiny head and was quite distressed. He was also pleasantly surprised to see me. I was also pleasantly surprised he wanted to hold my hand as we walked to the GP. As we waited we talked (???) and had a good time. GP told us to go home and rest, but he wanted to go back to school so I dropped him off and walked home. As soon as I got home my phone rang again 'mrs X the teacher thinks he should be home, please collect him.' Well, I agree, but Goofs made a huge tantrum in front of the teachers saying how much he hates me and our house and he ran away. His young new teacher looked at me concerned (I think she had doubts about me...), but when I suggested we eat school dinner together and go home he was over the moon. In the dining hall he ran around and told everyone proudly 'this is my mummy'. At home we played Lego and we both had a genuinely lovely time.

Next day was a beautiful day so we went to the beach, which all four of us enjoy a lot. Goofs was playing happily in the freezing sea, while Snoops and I built sand castles. 5 min before going home Goofs was knocked down by a big wave! He was under the water for probably half a second, but that was enough for him to freak out and for Mummy to run to him with a dry towel. Again, we had some lovely cuddly moments when he was not an angry young man, but a tiny frightened boy who needed to feel safe. He totally let me in and I did go All In! After we got him into dry clothes we walked back to the house. He was holding my hand willingly and out of nowhere he said something along these lines 'I am safe, because my mummy will keep me safe always, right mummy?'

Me trying to resist the urge to do a happy dance pulled him up into another big hug and said 'always' and reassured him how much I love him and said all the things I have been saying to him therapeutically, but somehow his ears were open now and I didn't want to miss this unexpected opportunity!

In the meantime we changed tactics with his teacher and now every day she writes 3 positive things in his school-home book which we can discuss at home and there is room for both Goofs and parents to make additional comments. This gives us opportunities to learn more about him, it forces him to talk to us and in return we can praise, reassure and encourage him.

We've also had a few sessions of play therapy by now and although it is still very early stages his therapist can already see some improvements!

Add to the mix also all our wonderful friends around the world praying to a God 'who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think' and suddenly we have a little boy who is still often challenging, but who also shows now a sweet side to him, who wants to and is able to receive love and attachment. He is all cuddly and wants to spend time with us; he invites us into his imaginary play, he is happy to do his homework, helps out in the kitchen and just in general he is much less stressful to be around!

And you would think that with all the positives we have experienced and shared in relation to Snoops our family of four has finally turned the proverbial corner and after 4 months in placement things will improve and... yeah yeah yeah, all those warm fuzzy feelings usually associated with 'Annie, the everyone lives happy ever after adoption story'. Well, we hoped for that, too...

In a weird (but undoubtedly understandable) twist Snoops' behaviour started to deteriorate. According to the play therapist in their previous adoptive placement he was the 'difficult one, who couldn't fit in, always caused problems' and Goofs was having a much easier time attaching to that family. While Goofs was thriving there his brother was struggling and it affected every area of his life; his behaviour, his mental and emotional capacity, his school performance, his discomfort, fear and night terrors.

When he moved in with us, consciously or subconsciously Snoops decided/realised that if he can swap the roles around he might have a chance. We do not doubt his previous sincerity of love and desire for attachment and that's why it is so hard to see he is regressing into his old role of  'you are stupid, you are naughty, you are unlovable, you are nothing more than a constant problem'.

Last night I was able to have a conversation with him about this and he admitted that he is naughty now in school and at home on purpose. He knows (well, as far as a young traumatised child can know) what he is doing and the sad part is that he wants to continue this path. He doesn't allow himself to believe us anymore when we say we love him, he feels he doesn't love us anymore and he became aggressive towards Goofs. In his mind it is impossible for everybody to be happy. :(

So, to close on that same bad joke: Could that same person please return our sweet, clever, confident Snoops and take away his evil twin???

Catching up 1: Rocking the boat

This blog post originally appeared on http://www.alcoates.co.uk/2015/04/rocking-boat.html in last April. Mr. C aka the flesh and brain behind Misadventures of An Adoptive Father has asked me for a guest post on his widely successful site, which I considered a great honour.

Now, a year later, hubby and I are approved adopters and if all goes well we will have a Matching Panel in a couple of weeks. I feel the time is right to dip my proverbial pen into the ink and start my own blog.

How dare a SW judge the sincerity and communicational depth of my relatively short marriage when she claims to become an expert in knowing me in and out after meeting me only 6 times before her report (and my future happiness) is set in stone?

To be fair our SW is a well seasoned professional and a lovely person who is very able to assess me / us as a couple and write up a fair and true report, but my question is still valid...

In all honesty we are a V-E-R-Y unusual couple. Unusual is good – the SW said. Panel likes unusual – the SW said. But do they, really?

When they have to sit all day in a small room with familiar faces around the table; when they have to comment on each case for the minutes; when they have to read hundreds of pages to come prepared for the panel meeting; when they already know who will have a problem with which couple; when all they want is to approve a couple... do they really want unusual cases? Or do they rather wish for simple, straight forward, clean cut or (heaven forbid) textbook cases?

We could have children. We are 35+ young professionals from safe and stable families who C-H-O-S-E not to become birth parents themselves. We could fill pages (oh, wait, we did! On countless occasions!) with the reasons, but for now let’s just forget the many reasons and focus on the choice we made. If pro-choice is so widely popular; if abortion is so acceptable; if nobody is allowed to tell a young or old / drug addict or alcohol addict / severe mental health / abusive... etc or just simply a very nice ‘perfect’ person the sentence ‘you must not have birth children of your own’ or ‘ok, lady, you had enough, maybe a dozen will do’ and all these people and their choices are and should be respected then why do I feel I am the bad person here?

Why do I have to keep defending my view? Why am I labelled ‘unfit to be a parent’ if I am not desperate to become one (in other words: I need a child, any child would do really, just so that I can be a parent)? We have a happy marriage and life, we feel our family is complete, we do not yearn for a non-existent hole to be filled by somebody else’s child. We simply put our own needs aside and choose to adopt siblings already in the system who do not have a safe and loving home where they can just be children and then grow up to be happy and supported adults. We could provide all that and much more for these children. Yet, somehow we find ourselves time and time again judged, questioned, condemned even for the choices we made in our lives.

Other that this we tick all the boxes. House, car, income, support network, stay home parent...whatever you need. Why would then our chances of being approved tripled if we said we C-O-U-L-D not have children? I fail to see how any of the above mentioned factors would change and still, somehow we would fit the ‘usual’ box and would be approved in no time...

But I do want to become a parent...
I do want to get approved...
I do want to bless those children...

So I don’t rock the boat. Just keep quiet. And I keep answering the same questions on and on again. With a smile. As usual.