Letter to me from Birth Mum

It started off as a beautiful day. It was warm and sunny so I planned a walk to the beach while the boys were in school. I was all dressed and ready when the postman came. An envelope 'Private and Confidential' from our LA. I didn't expect anything from them this week so as one would, I freaked out! There was another envelop inside; it was opened. A picture fell out. I picked it up from the floor. IT WAS HER! With Snoops' smile and Goofs' eyes! My heart sank...

We were assured she will not write. Even when we met her she told us 'she has moved on'. Recently when we needed her for something she was utterly rude to the SW and told her 'I have nothing to do with the children anymore so leave me alone'. And yet, I am holding a neatly written letter from her addressed to me.

I don't want to read it! I don't want to know anything about her life! I don't care what she's up to next! The only thing I want to know is why did she write to me, but for that I have to read her letter.

She is very polite and courteous. She thanked me for my lovely letter to her that was jam-packed with information about the children; their likes, hobbies, achievements in school and sports. She is only responding to my letter in a friendly tone. It stirs up so many puddles in me.

1. We are NOT friends!
This well known quote in adoption circles from Jody Landers summarises my feelings well. The only reason she and I even know each other is because she gave them birth and now they call me MUM.

From the letter you would think we are, indeed, friends. She is commenting on my comments, adding her own experiences, she is asking relevant questions and no doubt she is expecting me to answer them in my next letter. She is communicating with me better than some of my friends! What the heck is going on here???

2. I don't WANT to become friends with her!
Even though we know she herself had a very difficult childhood, which contributed greatly to her not being able to care for the children I frankly don't want to think of her as the victim. It is easier to see her as the abuser who hurt the children repeatedly and therefore lost the right to have them in her house and in her life! We have agreed to do letter box contact twice a year, but I was hoping for it to be a one way communication...

3. Nature vs nurture.
I shared with her about the newfound interest Snoops has for science, space and engineering. I'd like to take credit for that as until he moved in with us he had showed no signs of even remotely being interested in that, but in our house he was exposed to books on space and planets, sci-fi geeky stuff, funny science experiments...etc. But now she tells me 'it is fascinating how much he takes after me, I wanted to become an astronaut and studied science and engineering and space...' Baaaaah! When the initial anger subsided I had to conclude it is for the best that I know these things about her. Not just because I want to be in a position to answer Snoops' questions when the dreaded conversation comes, but also for his sake to know if he has any special gifting in those areas. In moments like this I am painfully made aware that he is not my biological son! And it has two obvious implications: he does NOT take after me and that he does carry HER DNA in which lots of secrets are encoded.

I know it is us who provide him with opportunities to feed his interests. It's highly unlikely she could have ever taken him to science shows, pay for his coding club, take the time to explain gravitational force to him a millionth time or just listen to his non stop chatter about space and planets. That was all us! But the initial input came from her...

4. Should I tell the boys about this letter?
They have the right to know, simple is that. But the SW also agrees it is not the time to do it! But when is it the right time? The longer we wait the heavier the secret gets and the potential of a future explosion grows exponentially! X_t = X₀ (1+r)^t  (in case you were wondering. See what I just did there?) From the way the boys behave, if our first recent Mother's Day is any indication, they are safely, securely and happily attached to us. They do not think about BM, they definitely do not miss her or have any positive memories of her, just the opposite. They do not need their pond stirred at this time. We haven't told them we met her or the fact that we wrote a letter to her. We even agreed with SW not to include that photo of her and us together in the children's Life Story Books. So, for now, we wait with this information. If it comes up in a conversation (as in if the boys ask me a direct question) I might include random snippets about her, but then I am sure their next question will be 'how do you know that, mum?'

For now her letter is tucked away in a locked cabinet and I will not look at it again until it's time to write my second letter to her, in which I will attempt a friendly (???) tone and respond to her questions so our pen-pal relationship can grow until such time my sons are ready to here about it.

Post Christmas Blues

The good news is (besides Jesus being born and bringing salvation to the world) we survived the Christmas holidays. Husband took time off of work, which meant the four of us were together straight for 18 days from morning till night - the longest time we have spent together since we met 8 months ago. Looking back now I can honestly say it made a huge difference and raised the question whether we should have done that at the beginning... Despite what many adopters said to us we agreed with our SWs that the boys needed structure so they went straight into school a few days after they moved in.

We were prepared for the worst; not just by SWs, Play Therapists and other experts, but also fellow adopters. The general consensus was: LAC DON'T DO CHRISTMAS! Well, I am happy to say this is not true!

In general I can say we had a very OK time, even lovely at times. That's not to say we didn't have meltdowns and tantrums that were rooted in their horrible past, but all in all we had a very pleasant time - even hubby agrees who could take the xmas break for what it's supposed to be: a time of rest. (you know, we, stay home mums don't count as we 'rest during the days, every day in fact, when the kids are in school' anyway...)

We tried to stick with some structure that involved breakfast, play time, lunch, go outside, film, dinner, play, sleep. Depending on the weather we swapped these around, but we did go out almost every day except Xmas Day when we all had a Pyjama Day. Husband used to take Goofs (6) to a nearby country park every time he had aggressive outbursts to burn off some anger. We drove past said park one day and he recognised it. Oddly he didn't attach negative feelings to it, it was only a matter-of-fact remark (a child after my own heart! :) ). Snoops (7) has never been there and asked if we could go as a family. We did and I am happy to say this is the boys' favourite place to go now! Lots of adventures to have, ponds, secret paths, mud, sticks, animals, ice to break...

We also allowed them to watch cartoons on a laptop every morning (normally they get it on the weekends only) to ensure parents can have a sleep in, which worked extremely well! Because hubby is the baker in the house, he decided to try some new bread recipes with the boys. Goofs especially enjoyed channelling his anger into kneading bread! The results were oh so delicious! :)

Naturally we were slightly apprehensive before Xmas Day. On Xmas Eve after they went to bed 'Santa came' meaning he finished the mince pies and milk and left the presents under the tree while Rudolph ate the carrot and accidentally knocked down some decorations (Bad Rudy, bad bad Rudy!) As any parent, you are nervous because of the presents you got hoping they are the right ones and they would be 'enough'. Last year the FC wanted to 'cheer them up after the adoption breakdown' so she went way overboard with the number and value of presents. We knew we can't match that and frankly, we didn't want to either! To be honest we knew they will break any toys within a day anyway, plus we want to teach them what's really important - ambitious goals for our first family Christmas!

Boys were ecstatic to come down on Christmas Day. Goofs' first comment ('Last year we got a lot bigger presents!') came from a place of honesty so we couldn't really be upset with him. Thank God it was quickly replaced by more excitement as they emptied their stockings and opened their presents. I think they got a lot more presents than ever before considering all our extended family members and some of our close friends got them things, which they all labelled as With love from... It's great, but it also looks like Mummy and Daddy got them nothing as everything else was from Santa... :)

 Boys got mugs with special markers to decorate them. Goofs didn't waste time in drawing a happy family of four on it! I showed this pic to his therapist with a question 'Do you think he feels securely attached now?' This is the same boy who had had really nasty angry outbursts, threw things out the window, attacked us violently not very long ago! The therapist just cried... (of joy I hope!)

Daddy, too, went slightly overboard this Christmas. We decorated the house excessively on the first of December (which was a training day for teachers anyways), the tree was up a few days later and xmas music was loud all around the house all month. Aaaand then came the traditional Xmas Dinner. Hubby cooked for 10 people at least so food was falling off of the table even with the extension! :) The boys really enjoyed the big fuss and had a great time! Happy wife child means happy life, indeed!

We played endless amount of Lego and with their new Snakes and Ladders board game. Boys are learning now that 'it's just a game, no need to cry if you loose'; 'it's ok to laugh at other's bad luck, no need to punch them in the face'; 'you are not stupid if you can't roll a 6, it's just about luck'...etc. Again, happy to say they made huge progress in these areas and we can also see how this new knowledge translates into other areas of their behaviour! Amazingly the violent reactions they cultivated towards each other for seemingly small issues (like who brushes their teeth first) are now reduced to a short exchange of words - they still need parental supervision and decision making, but this is definitely a massive step in the right direction!

We even risked a sleepover party at our friends' place on New Years Eve! Boys behaved really well, went to bed around 9pm upstairs so parents could enjoy a fun evening to finish off the year with friends and grown up games! Yay!!!

Going back to school is another trigger for challenging behaviour and again, we were nervous. The boys had such a good time off school we didn't know how they will take it. As it turns out we didn't have to worry. Boys were happy to go back, see their friends, compare notes on who got what presents, even to 'learn new things' (!!! WHAT???).

And to top it off, 2 nights ago Goofs was brushing his teeth after dinner and said: 'mummy, I am dfghshj...' I said 'what?' He spit into the sink, looked at me through the mirror and said 'mummy, I am so happy I have a real mum now' and went back to brushing his teeth. He played it really cool and I didn't correct his terminology. :)))

It was a lovely moment, but we have learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt. Yesterday he smacked his brother with a big book leaving an ugly mark on Snoops' face and when I grabbed his hand to stop him doing it again he started shouting at me saying 'you are nasty, nasty and I hate you so much!' 

There! This is my post Christmas blues...
Hopefully 2017 will work out better!

They moved in. Now what?

We had a relatively short Introductions; only 10 days from First Contact to Moving in! I wrote about the first meeting here , in this post I try to summarise the ride so far.

Gradually we spent more time with the boys each day. I can't emphasise enough the brilliance of the Amazing Foster Carer who ensured everything is going smoothly. She prepared and served us dinner so we could share a meal at 4 pm with the boys in her house, while she was in the kitchen. She handed over the reward charts to us to start putting on the stars. She handed over school assignment books to us right away when we picked them up from school and kindly showed me behind the scenes what to do with them as I had no idea at first! When it came to bedtimes, somehow the packs (bathrobe, face clothes, jammies, pull-ups...etc) just appeared next to me so I could do them straight away!

Over the 10 days we got more 'mummy and daddy' and less first names. But we also started to get more 'can we get back to FC's house now?', which we took as a good sign considering that they are very attached to her. Each day we did more driving and it culminated in us going to their place early morning to bring them back to us and after dinner drive them back to do bedtime routine, then do a proper weekly shop (plus some very child specific items) and have dinner at 10 pm at a friend's house who blessed us with meals over the week. We started to experience the saying 'in adoption/fostering the days are long, but the weeks are short!' and we completely lost touch with the outside world.

I'm sure for every parent these are obvious regardless of how you became a parent, but these are some of the lessons we have learnt in week one:

• I replaced the make up kit in my bag with Star Wars plasters and spare Lego parts plus you can't have too many tissues or hand sanitizer with you 
• You need to divide the day into 30 min segments
• You eat/pee/drink whenever you can not when you need to
• For the sake of family dinners we eat with them at 4 pm and we have a supper after they are asleep (which usually involves lots more spices)
• DS keeps them calm in the car (that is if you remember to charge it first! Otherwise the whole world will know about your blip). This is something the Amazing FC developed and it works for now. 
• Thank God kids have no sense of time. You can give a 10/5/3/1 minute warning any time. 
• If it's complicated for them, it M-U-S-T be complicated for me too (or so they think and therefore are surprised if I can fix it) 
• You need to keep a list of who likes which fruit/veg but don't get surprised if they steal from each other's plates
• Cakes make everything better and worthwhile 
• Always ask them to 'try a wee-wee' before you leave any building 
• You can't enjoy a grown-up party any more; you keep wondering if the boys are OK.
• News? What news? Is Trump a president already???
• Pumping (farting) is and will always be funny. End of.
• The toilet seat is always up! :( (and should be sanitised every 10 min)
• There is always some background noise now (from tablet or wii or DS or radio or telly) and you start to worry if it stops!
• Tastes and likes can and will change all the time, sometimes twice within half an hour (good luck feeding them the same food twice not to mention buying presents or just something simple as a new duvet cover!)

After the first day we were naturally overwhelmed! To be perfectly honest, if the SW had said that this placement was a mistake and should be stopped for good we would have been very upset, but eventually we could have accepted it I think. But not after the second day though! Now I can't imagine our life without these 2!

So, yesterday they moved in permanently. To make the goodbye easier for the Amazing Foster Carer we followed her lead and did it as fast as we could. All their belongings were in bags ready for us to drop in the car. She hugged them one last time while we signed the paperwork in the dining room to officially CLAIM them and with that we were out the door. Because she was doing an amazing job the door shut behind us right away leaving a sobbing woman in the house and 2 excited boys for us to love and raise for the rest of our lives!

(we tried to paint their story; they were happy with their FC (black),
mummy and daddy spoke to the SW (yellow) and now we all live happily in one house and
the FC is happy for us as a family and comes for a visit)

We expected tears, but the boys were more preoccupied with their DS. We didn't plan anything special for today, just a 'normal day in' in their new house as per the SW's instructions. I am happy to say the day was progressing much better than expected by anybody. We played outside in the garden, picked up and observed yucky snails, jumped on the trampoline, painted inside, had lunch and snacks, played with their toys (score one for mummy who can imitate better shooting and explosion sounds than daddy!) and generally had a very relaxed day. Last night I bought a selection of hams and salamis so they can try which ones they liked. The conversation went like this:

Me: This is pepperoni.
Them: Yay, we love pepperoni more than anything! (this should have been my first clue!)
Snoops: I don't like spicy.
Me: It's not spicy.
Goofs: I like spicy.
Me: Fine, these are spicy ones.
Snoops: I don't like this one, but I like the one Goofs is eating. (but of course!)
Goofs: I don't like this one, but I like the one Snoops is eating. (shock!)
Needless to say for dinner we made pizza with the very same pepperoni only to find out they don't like pepperoni and they never did...

Bedtime was approaching fast and we were a bit apprehensive. We were strictly following the Amazing FC's routine and it all went surprisingly well. I read the bedtime story, kissed them goodnight and stayed until they were both asleep.

Around 10 pm when we were going to bed we heard crying. We went to their bedroom. Snoops was crying is his sleep. My heart broke for that little one yet again! When hubby stroke his face he woke up and said that he doesn't want to stay here and wants to go back to the Amazing FC's house and that he doesn't want to be adopted. Daddy stayed with him and ensured him that we completely understand his feelings and he stayed until Snoops was fast asleep again.

Today they woke up at 5.35 am. We woke up because they were fighting over something. When we asked Snoops he said he had a very good sleep last night, he loves his bed and us! Ummm....

THE Day has come! Intros day 1

The day we have been waiting for has finally arrived! I don't think you need to be in our situation to appreciate how nervous we both were! I have had a few share of exams, near death hospital memories, met a few heads of states and royals, had pre-marriage vibes...etc but nothing comes even close to the level of nervousness I felt all day. It culminated during the drive to the Amazing FC house!

(From now on I will refer to her as the Amazing FC because she goes way above and beyond her duty in everything she does for us and for the boys! A few nights ago she recorded a short video on her phone: she made the boys say good night to us and that they are looking forward to meeting us soon! As I said: AMAZING FOSTER CARER!)

We were supposed to meet the SW outside the house and go in together. We both arrived sooner (guess SW was apprehensive too!) and the kids were not back from school yet, so we waited patiently in our car. Hubby even said that the boys have seen our car in the DVD so they might recognise it, but by the time we figured we should park elsewhere the FC's car pulled up. We tried to hide, but those clever little monkeys did recognise the car and practically jumped out of their car and ran towards ours. The excitement on their faces!!!! Those huge smiles!!! Their wide eyes!!! Their silent shouts!!!! (ok, I wipe my tears again and continue in a minute)

That's NOT how we intended the first meet to happen; on the streets, in front of other people! But once they spotted us there was no turning back! So we quickly locked the car (managed to leave all my stuff including phone and tissues inside), quickly grabbed the flowers, cake and the 2 soft toys and walked over to them!

Snoops (7) could not speak; he was just smiling at me with mouth hung open. It was an awkward moment. I managed to say 'Hi' before he said 'hello mummy, it is so nice to meet you'. Hubby just came over and by then Snoops recovered so he ran to him and hugged his legs saying 'hello daddy!' We both swallowed our happy tears and ushered them into the house.

Goofs (6) was inside, a little more apprehensive, nonetheless he blocked the entrance and would not let us in without a hug! Both boys were soooo excited they literally could NOT contain themselves. We expected this... when I say 'we expected this' I mean we were told this might happen; we paid attention during the trainings; we understand their difficulties in regulating themselves, but it's one thing to know in your head and an entirely different thing experiencing it! We were excited too - no question about that! But nothing like them!!! We tried to match their level of excitement; we jumped up and down with them, ran around the rooms, tried to speak louder than them (if possible).

They didn't even realise the SW was there, too, she had to ask for a hug! SW managed to take a few pictures of us for the Life Story Book, it was incredible how easily they cuddled up with us for a photo! Snoops is a quiet and shy little boy - or so we were told. In reality he was in my face and could not shut up! :) He wanted to say soooo much all at once he really struggled to say the words; it was utterly cute! Goofs, the extrovert took an instant liking at the introvert daddy and within minutes he was climbing up on him, pinning him down to the floor and engaged in play fight! Poor hubbs has bruised ribs already!

We of course had to watch the DVD together. They were over the moon, kept on saying to us 'wait for it, daddy will show up in a second!'or 'look, there is you in the kitchen' or 'pause, look, this is my bedroom!' as if we have never seen it before! It was quite endearing!

Our original 1 hour stay flew by in no time. I didn't even notice when the SW left; apparently she said 'we were all so natural together that she didn't need to stay'. I asked the Amazing FC if we should leave; she encouraged us to stay for tea. It was difficult to get the boys to calm down a bit to sit down around the table to eat!

Goofs already started to push the boundaries. The Amazing FC told her to put his feet down; his response: 'I  have a new mummy now, you don't tell me what to do!' I tried to intervene and said to him 'I agree with her, you need to put your feet down!' Surprise, surprise, he disobeyed me too! Dinner was quite chaotic; they were utterly goofy, mischievous and often straight out silly. The Amazing FC had to tell them off quite a few times. She said 'you both have lovely manners, stop showing off now!' This worked for about 2 minutes then it started again!

During dinner we went from 'new mummy' to first name basis to 'hey you' to stepmum (where did that come from???) and back. We are completely OK with this! Poor kids, it must be so confusing to them! The Amazing FC is doing a superb job; she prepared them wonderfully and on the surface they are able to call us Mummy and Daddy, but we are unsure how deep their understanding goes at this point. In the heat of the moment we are back to first names, until a grown up refers to one of us as Mummy or Daddy, then they slip back. We expect this to be the case for a while...

After dinner it was time for the daily reward chart and stickers. They tried to convince me they deserve stars for 'eating breakfast nicely', but when the Amazing FC coughed from the kitchen they both quickly changed their version to 'OK, maybe not today' :) We looked at the calendar together. The Amazing FC wrote onto the calendar what we will do each day and together we counted down the next 10 days at which point they will move in permanently! On the surface they seemed excited about it...

As a matter of calming them down we tried to suggest we play with Lego. Snoops was happy to comply and ran upstairs to pull out the box. Goofs thought that was silly and wanted to play a different game, but he wouldn't say what. He ran out of the room upset, then came back after a few minutes and spilled out that he wants to play 'Tickling'. I was amazed how openly and honestly he is asking for a human touch! Sadly we didn't think it was a good idea so close to bed time and eventually he joined his brother and Daddy in building a Lego car.

Before we left we asked them if there was anything they wanted to send to their new house. We ended up taking a bike (my goodness, they ARE big!!!) and a scooter. Without me prompting both boys told me they will be 'good boys tonight and will go to bed nicely!' (I suspect the Amazing FC had something to do with this!?) Will see tomorrow!

We said our goodbyes, we were back to Mummy/Daddy and 'look forward to pick us up from school tomorrow'. We managed to crawl back to the car, closed the doors and just sat. Daddy's only comments: 'Wow. I have 2 children!'

On the way home I opened a dictation app on my phone to record the day> 'This is Captain Mummy on stardate 23rd May 2016: Today we...' We discussed the day, the feelings, emotions, little things we picked up on, already some concerns we might need to address soon. When we got back home we recorded a few "supplimentals' (all hail Star Trek!) and were ready to crash into bed around 7.30pm.

Cathing up 5: Meeting the Foster Carer and School - with a sneak peek

After a lovely Christmas we got a call from our SW that in mid January we can (should) meet the FC. Enough to say we were a bit nervous. Her house was full of photos on the wall and social workers on the sofa: our SW, the Foster Carer's SW, the children's SW and the children's new SW - because the current one was leaving soon.

She did such a wonderful job bringing the children to life by telling us stories, their likes and dislikes, she showed us lots of photos and you could just tell that she adores them already! We felt a constant connection to her and I hope this good relationship will continue.

I really had to bite my tongue a few times not to say what I wanted to; I so desperately wanted to tell her how grateful I was for her looking after our future children so well! But I couldn't possibly say any of that. It wouldn't have been appropriate. In all honesty, I don't have any rights whatsoever to claim any feelings towards these children. Except that I know every single detail about their life, their terrible history and the challenges they currently present.

So I kept quiet and tried to record every singe word the FC told us about them. We were let into their room and I could almost see them playing with their toys or sleeping in their beds. In a sense it felt like we are violating their trust by being in their room without them. But again, I would feel violated myself if somebody knew this much about me or my life... This is one of those imbalances that follows the entire adoption process!

After this meeting we set off to visit their school to speak to their teachers. It didn't even cross my mind that we could see the children until our SW mentioned it on the way in as a slight possibility. As you can imagine my mind went into overdrive and I really struggled to pay attention to what was said. As far as I remember they shared some the concerns that were mentioned in the CAMHS assessment, which was good news in a sense that they both had the same diagnosis. That both boys are completely OK in their heads, and 'all is there', but due to their adverse history they are not able to function at their expected levels. This much we knew and expected. What we didn't expect is the head teacher's openness and willingness to grant my request at the end of the meeting.

The children's SW came with us but she decided to stay in the little room as they kids would have recognised her. Our SW came with us since she has not seen the kids before either. As we walked through the corridors my heart was pounding in my head so loud I didn't hear a word the teacher said.

I read blogs about THE first meeting; when parents meet their children (at birth or later) and pretty much all said the same: it is love at first sight! They all described how every single detail burnt into their memory and I was so full of anticipation that I almost missed it! We walked into a PE class and tiny boys in identical clothes were running around the room. The teacher asked me after a few minutes if I spotted him and I started to panic! No, I have no idea which of them is my future son!!!

Thank God she took pity on me and tried her best to point him out to me... As you would have it, our future son was the one standing closest to me! I could have touched his head, brush his face, but I guess it would have been super creepy and highly inappropriate. To him, we were just some random adults who got a tour of the school! His face was red from the running, his attention focused on the ball and his smile just captured my heart from that moment on!

It was too soon before we had to leave them to walk towards the other classroom. I think I was better prepared the second time to meet his brother. All the children in the room were focused on the board following closely what the teacher was saying. All but one! My little champion was struggling to cope and was sulking in his chair! He buried his head into his hands and looked miserable. And cute! So incredibly cute that all of us had to turn towards the door not to burst out laughing right there. The teacher asked if we spotted him and all we could do was nod with misty eyes.

In that very moment I knew that I AM FEELING MUM ALREADY! :)