THE Day has come! Intros day 1

The day we have been waiting for has finally arrived! I don't think you need to be in our situation to appreciate how nervous we both were! I have had a few share of exams, near death hospital memories, met a few heads of states and royals, had pre-marriage vibes...etc but nothing comes even close to the level of nervousness I felt all day. It culminated during the drive to the Amazing FC house!

(From now on I will refer to her as the Amazing FC because she goes way above and beyond her duty in everything she does for us and for the boys! A few nights ago she recorded a short video on her phone: she made the boys say good night to us and that they are looking forward to meeting us soon! As I said: AMAZING FOSTER CARER!)

We were supposed to meet the SW outside the house and go in together. We both arrived sooner (guess SW was apprehensive too!) and the kids were not back from school yet, so we waited patiently in our car. Hubby even said that the boys have seen our car in the DVD so they might recognise it, but by the time we figured we should park elsewhere the FC's car pulled up. We tried to hide, but those clever little monkeys did recognise the car and practically jumped out of their car and ran towards ours. The excitement on their faces!!!! Those huge smiles!!! Their wide eyes!!! Their silent shouts!!!! (ok, I wipe my tears again and continue in a minute)

That's NOT how we intended the first meet to happen; on the streets, in front of other people! But once they spotted us there was no turning back! So we quickly locked the car (managed to leave all my stuff including phone and tissues inside), quickly grabbed the flowers, cake and the 2 soft toys and walked over to them!

Snoops (7) could not speak; he was just smiling at me with mouth hung open. It was an awkward moment. I managed to say 'Hi' before he said 'hello mummy, it is so nice to meet you'. Hubby just came over and by then Snoops recovered so he ran to him and hugged his legs saying 'hello daddy!' We both swallowed our happy tears and ushered them into the house.

Goofs (6) was inside, a little more apprehensive, nonetheless he blocked the entrance and would not let us in without a hug! Both boys were soooo excited they literally could NOT contain themselves. We expected this... when I say 'we expected this' I mean we were told this might happen; we paid attention during the trainings; we understand their difficulties in regulating themselves, but it's one thing to know in your head and an entirely different thing experiencing it! We were excited too - no question about that! But nothing like them!!! We tried to match their level of excitement; we jumped up and down with them, ran around the rooms, tried to speak louder than them (if possible).

They didn't even realise the SW was there, too, she had to ask for a hug! SW managed to take a few pictures of us for the Life Story Book, it was incredible how easily they cuddled up with us for a photo! Snoops is a quiet and shy little boy - or so we were told. In reality he was in my face and could not shut up! :) He wanted to say soooo much all at once he really struggled to say the words; it was utterly cute! Goofs, the extrovert took an instant liking at the introvert daddy and within minutes he was climbing up on him, pinning him down to the floor and engaged in play fight! Poor hubbs has bruised ribs already!

We of course had to watch the DVD together. They were over the moon, kept on saying to us 'wait for it, daddy will show up in a second!'or 'look, there is you in the kitchen' or 'pause, look, this is my bedroom!' as if we have never seen it before! It was quite endearing!

Our original 1 hour stay flew by in no time. I didn't even notice when the SW left; apparently she said 'we were all so natural together that she didn't need to stay'. I asked the Amazing FC if we should leave; she encouraged us to stay for tea. It was difficult to get the boys to calm down a bit to sit down around the table to eat!

Goofs already started to push the boundaries. The Amazing FC told her to put his feet down; his response: 'I  have a new mummy now, you don't tell me what to do!' I tried to intervene and said to him 'I agree with her, you need to put your feet down!' Surprise, surprise, he disobeyed me too! Dinner was quite chaotic; they were utterly goofy, mischievous and often straight out silly. The Amazing FC had to tell them off quite a few times. She said 'you both have lovely manners, stop showing off now!' This worked for about 2 minutes then it started again!

During dinner we went from 'new mummy' to first name basis to 'hey you' to stepmum (where did that come from???) and back. We are completely OK with this! Poor kids, it must be so confusing to them! The Amazing FC is doing a superb job; she prepared them wonderfully and on the surface they are able to call us Mummy and Daddy, but we are unsure how deep their understanding goes at this point. In the heat of the moment we are back to first names, until a grown up refers to one of us as Mummy or Daddy, then they slip back. We expect this to be the case for a while...

After dinner it was time for the daily reward chart and stickers. They tried to convince me they deserve stars for 'eating breakfast nicely', but when the Amazing FC coughed from the kitchen they both quickly changed their version to 'OK, maybe not today' :) We looked at the calendar together. The Amazing FC wrote onto the calendar what we will do each day and together we counted down the next 10 days at which point they will move in permanently! On the surface they seemed excited about it...

As a matter of calming them down we tried to suggest we play with Lego. Snoops was happy to comply and ran upstairs to pull out the box. Goofs thought that was silly and wanted to play a different game, but he wouldn't say what. He ran out of the room upset, then came back after a few minutes and spilled out that he wants to play 'Tickling'. I was amazed how openly and honestly he is asking for a human touch! Sadly we didn't think it was a good idea so close to bed time and eventually he joined his brother and Daddy in building a Lego car.

Before we left we asked them if there was anything they wanted to send to their new house. We ended up taking a bike (my goodness, they ARE big!!!) and a scooter. Without me prompting both boys told me they will be 'good boys tonight and will go to bed nicely!' (I suspect the Amazing FC had something to do with this!?) Will see tomorrow!

We said our goodbyes, we were back to Mummy/Daddy and 'look forward to pick us up from school tomorrow'. We managed to crawl back to the car, closed the doors and just sat. Daddy's only comments: 'Wow. I have 2 children!'

On the way home I opened a dictation app on my phone to record the day> 'This is Captain Mummy on stardate 23rd May 2016: Today we...' We discussed the day, the feelings, emotions, little things we picked up on, already some concerns we might need to address soon. When we got back home we recorded a few "supplimentals' (all hail Star Trek!) and were ready to crash into bed around 7.30pm.

Stuck in the hard place between Matching Panel and Intros

Matching Panel took place last week. I am still shaking. But the reason is different now.

We were told the usuals: 'we wouldn't take you to panel if we weren't confident it will be OK'; 'this is now just paperwork'; 'we just need to cross every t-s' and such. It was the same when birth mum was contesting: rationally you know it is going to be OK, nevertheless you are super nervous and you worry yourself sick. I couldn't sleep or when I did I had nightmares (mostly about rejection or approval but then epic fails and rejection from the boys during intros).

Panel was debating our case for about an hour before we were called in. By then I could hardly walk. We went in, I looked at the Chair and before I sat down I heard myself asking her directly. She was all smiles, said the magical YES and asked me again to sit down. She was supposed to give us the reasons for the recommendation, but she only said that panel 'had a good feel about us'. She admitted this wasn't very professional and I do wonder how these were recorded in the panel minutes...

Apparently they weren't even debating us, rather the boys' past and the reasons why their first adoption failed. They asked if we felt we were fully informed about everything. Well... 'Can I please know exactly why their previous adoption broke down for starters???' I did ask a few more questions and of course we also discussed the post adoption support package, which is undoubtedly robust, but only time can tell how well it will work for us, and more importantly, if it will be enough!

We handed over the This is Your New Mum and Dad DVD we filmed a few days before. (We had asked a friend to film us as we walk around the street and the house before we sit in the sofa and talk directly to the camera. The entire filming was all a good laugh until I had to utter the words to the camera 'Hello boys, I am your new Mummy'. And then my entire composure fell apart... The gravity of the situation has hit me there and then!)

The SW will meet the boys to show it to them 'tomorrow'.

So we wait. Tomorrow is almost here. But then we get an email from the SW saying 'after careful deliberations we think we should NOT rush this whole thing!' Until now they kept on saying 'since the boys are older once they hear the news things will go fast because, frankly, why wait?' It made perfect sense to us back then.

But suddenly the goalpost started moving...
We started the entire process in November 2014 and we have waited patiently, we complied with all their requests and we relied completely on their words and expertise. I appreciate that this is a long process, but when you are so close to the finish line even a silly little thing like postponing a meeting for a few days makes a huge difference and upsets the delicate balance that is in our heart!

Luckily it's only a few days; first they will share the news with the boys, then the SW will return a day after to see how the boys are taking the news and if it's all OK she will share the DVD with them. And then we can start thinking about having a planning meeting, which will hopefully push us out of this hard place of waiting...

Birth Mum's contesting...

We did expect it. We were prepared. Or so I thought...

Things were progressing so well. Met the Foster Carer a few times, exchanged notes with the medical advisor, visited school, SAW THE BOYS from a distance, sorted out adoption leave cover for my work place and then BOOM. 1 phone call from the SW and suddenly everything was on hold...

Suddenly everybody was asking me how do I feel. Some assumed I was angry, some thought I was disappointed or sad or even devastated. I guess, I did have those feelings, too. But thanks to this wonderful community on Twitter I was overwhelmed with encouragement and positive messages from strangers whom I never met, yet I felt the closest to already. Adopters who have been there, done that sent me messages and hearing their stories my initial negative attitude was transformed into one of feeling sorry for Her. I also gained a whole new appreciation for Her as a mother who was not giving up on her children without a fight! When I shared these thoughts with our SW she was very impressed (and probably relieved that she didn't have to give a motivational speech or pick me up from the floor). She more or less assured us that BM won't be able to get her children back, but we can't assume anything so we need to wait it out.

We expected the court date to happen soon, but sadly the judge picked a date in April, which was still a month away. This meant the boys would definitely not move in with us during the Easter break as originally hoped. Despite the encouraging news that the judge didn't ask for a re-assessment on BM we were naturally anxious and irrationally worried. I say irrationally because all the evidence, practice and really, common sense dictated that there was NO WAY the children would return to Her home and stay safe. But I couldn't think rationally. My mind went into panic mode and the 'What ifs' took over.

The weeks dragged on slowly and finally the dreaded Friday arrived. Needless to say I couldn't focus on work or on anything, really. The only think I could think of was the fact that in these very moments a judge is making a decision ABOUT MY LIFE and I can't even be there to hear it, let alone contribute. I know, the judge was not even considering me at that moment, just assessing BM, but still; if the decision is for the boys to be adopted, chances are very good they will come to us thus it will influence the rest of my life. On the other hand if she decides the children should stay in the Fostering system, in a sense they will be unavailable for us, prospective adopters... Not helpful thoughts!

A whole day was blocked out so we expected a decision to be made on the same day. By 2 pm I was sufficiently full of chocolate (forever grateful for an amazing colleague who constantly fed me sweets all day!) I was in the middle of a telephone conversation, when my mobile phone rang. I saw the name; it was my SW calling. I only said 'hello' to the phone when she started: 'Good news, I have good news. Hi, it's me calling.' I will always love her for not beating around the bush and she just said it right away!

And suddenly the mind returned to the rational reality... But of course the plan is still adoption. Who in their sane mind thought the children would be returned to BM? No judge would have ruled that in a million years! So, the plan is still adoption and we are still the only family considered!

We shared the outcome with out friends and naturally they assumed we were over the moon. Yes, we were very pleased with the decision, but I couldn't help feel sad for Her. She  put up a good fight; she believed that she had made sufficient changes in her life and she genuinely believed she can have her children back. Deep down I wish that was the case! I wish these two lovelies could grow up with their loving birth mother, because that is how it should be. But sadly that's not in their best interest and they wouldn't be safe. It will be MY job to keep them safe!

FeelingDadYet (a.k.a my lovely husband and always the practical one) celebrated by buying 2 children's beds! :)

Cathing up 5: Meeting the Foster Carer and School - with a sneak peek

After a lovely Christmas we got a call from our SW that in mid January we can (should) meet the FC. Enough to say we were a bit nervous. Her house was full of photos on the wall and social workers on the sofa: our SW, the Foster Carer's SW, the children's SW and the children's new SW - because the current one was leaving soon.

She did such a wonderful job bringing the children to life by telling us stories, their likes and dislikes, she showed us lots of photos and you could just tell that she adores them already! We felt a constant connection to her and I hope this good relationship will continue.

I really had to bite my tongue a few times not to say what I wanted to; I so desperately wanted to tell her how grateful I was for her looking after our future children so well! But I couldn't possibly say any of that. It wouldn't have been appropriate. In all honesty, I don't have any rights whatsoever to claim any feelings towards these children. Except that I know every single detail about their life, their terrible history and the challenges they currently present.

So I kept quiet and tried to record every singe word the FC told us about them. We were let into their room and I could almost see them playing with their toys or sleeping in their beds. In a sense it felt like we are violating their trust by being in their room without them. But again, I would feel violated myself if somebody knew this much about me or my life... This is one of those imbalances that follows the entire adoption process!

After this meeting we set off to visit their school to speak to their teachers. It didn't even cross my mind that we could see the children until our SW mentioned it on the way in as a slight possibility. As you can imagine my mind went into overdrive and I really struggled to pay attention to what was said. As far as I remember they shared some the concerns that were mentioned in the CAMHS assessment, which was good news in a sense that they both had the same diagnosis. That both boys are completely OK in their heads, and 'all is there', but due to their adverse history they are not able to function at their expected levels. This much we knew and expected. What we didn't expect is the head teacher's openness and willingness to grant my request at the end of the meeting.

The children's SW came with us but she decided to stay in the little room as they kids would have recognised her. Our SW came with us since she has not seen the kids before either. As we walked through the corridors my heart was pounding in my head so loud I didn't hear a word the teacher said.

I read blogs about THE first meeting; when parents meet their children (at birth or later) and pretty much all said the same: it is love at first sight! They all described how every single detail burnt into their memory and I was so full of anticipation that I almost missed it! We walked into a PE class and tiny boys in identical clothes were running around the room. The teacher asked me after a few minutes if I spotted him and I started to panic! No, I have no idea which of them is my future son!!!

Thank God she took pity on me and tried her best to point him out to me... As you would have it, our future son was the one standing closest to me! I could have touched his head, brush his face, but I guess it would have been super creepy and highly inappropriate. To him, we were just some random adults who got a tour of the school! His face was red from the running, his attention focused on the ball and his smile just captured my heart from that moment on!

It was too soon before we had to leave them to walk towards the other classroom. I think I was better prepared the second time to meet his brother. All the children in the room were focused on the board following closely what the teacher was saying. All but one! My little champion was struggling to cope and was sulking in his chair! He buried his head into his hands and looked miserable. And cute! So incredibly cute that all of us had to turn towards the door not to burst out laughing right there. The teacher asked if we spotted him and all we could do was nod with misty eyes.

In that very moment I knew that I AM FEELING MUM ALREADY! :)

Schrödinger's cat in my tummy

This blog post was sitting in my drafts folder since January and now it seems like a good time to post it so chronological order is more or less accurate:

As approved adopters we joined the waiting game as soon as the ink dried on the Panel papers last May. We signed up to Children Who Wait, Be My Parent, National Adoption Register and Adoptionlink to maximise our chances. Now, several months and 'almost matches' later it seems we finally are not only the front runners, but (it seems) the only runners for 2 particular children. We were told the good news in January. In February we met the current Foster Carer; we could have had a lovely chat, but how do you relax when all your words are watched by several Social Workers? The SWs in the know informed us that the children would be moving in about 5 months.

So we wait.

When I share this news the natural response I get is 'oh, it must be so hard to wait that long!' and I am thinking 'boy, you couldn't be further away from the truth'! You see, we didn't choose adoption as the third option. We could have children born to us, but we decided to adopt instead as the FIRST OPTION!

Not for us, for the children. Not to meet our need, but to meet their need.

And we want to do a good job with that! Therefore, five months almost feels too short for us to be prepared and get ready. Our house needs to be finished and remodelled to accommodate them. As for our non existent parenting skills, we need to attend some specialised training to better understand and deal with their behaviour. I am a perfectionist who wants to get it right the first time... with everything! Hubby knows it's impossible; I am determined to prove him wrong. That means reading one more book, joining one more online support group, signing up for one more training session...

Perhaps I wouldn't be this patient if things were different. To explain the title: Schrödinger's cat is locked in a box and until you open the box you don't know if the cat is alive or not.

That is the same with us now; we see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we quite enjoy the darkness around us at the moment and not too keen to dash towards the light just yet. Is it because we could have children if we wanted to? Perhaps. Could we have children at all? Well, we will never know.

So we wait. And Schrödinger's cat lives happily ever after in my tummy...

Catching up 4: The power of YES

This blog post originally appeared on http://www.alcoates.co.uk/2016/02/the-power-of-yes.html in February. Mr. C aka the flesh and brain behind Misadventures of An Adoptive Father has asked me for a guest post on his widely successful site, which I considered a great honour.

Now, hubby and I are approved adopters and if all goes well we will have a Matching Panel in a couple of weeks. I feel the time is right to dip my proverbial pen into the ink and start my own blog.

They said,

Yes, we need you...

Yes, we like you...

Yes, tell us all about yourselves...

Yes, we will train you...

Yes, we are happy to assess you...

Yes, we approved you...

Yes, you have a lot to offer...

Yes, you will be great adoptive parents...

Yes, that's a good book to read...

Yes, now we wait...

Yes, we know it's hard to wait...

Yes, we understand...

Yes, it's the climate...

Yes, we found a child...

Yes, you would be a good match...

Yes, you understand the needs of the child...

Yes, you are not the only family they look at...

Yes, we might know more in a month...

Yes, we know it's disappointing...

Yes, we are back to the drawing board...

Yes, we can continue looking again when you are ready...

Yes, you think you are ready...

Yes, we found a new child...

Yes, he looks just like you...

Yes, it's very promising...

Yes, they come to do a home visit...

Yes, there is another child who needs you...

Yes, they really want you...

Yes, it is hard to choose which child to pursue...

Yes, you need to decide now...

Yes, you are playing God...

No, you don't get to do that without consequences!

Catching up 3: What if the time is now?

This blog post originally appeared on http://www.alcoates.co.uk/2015/06/what-if-time-is-now.html in last June. Mr. C aka the flesh and brain behind Misadventures of An Adoptive Father has asked me for a guest post on his widely successful site, which I considered a great honour.

Now, almost a year later, hubby and I are approved adopters and if all goes well we will have a Matching Panel in a couple of weeks. I feel the time is right to dip my proverbial pen into the ink and start my own blog.

Mr C found out we have been approved a few weeks ago as adopters and asked me to jot down my feelings. Hope you can make sense of these ramblings now...

Friends were cheering for us, some prayed, others crossed fingers and they worked! We were recommended by Panel and 2 weeks later the single most important letter arrived confirming that we are indeed approved and Family Finding can start. Yay! Exciting times ahead! We were ecstatic...relieved... and scared. 

Then this emotional turmoil turned into a loop. Excited-happy-afraid, what a combo!

Yesterday our SW came to formally sign the Family Finding papers and encouraged us to look at websites dedicated to ‘Children shopping’. Suddenly a whole new world opened up in front of our very eyes. It took about 10 minutes of browsing to become overwhelmed. It reminded us of compiling our weekly Tesco shopping; inviting photos of the ‘products’ with a description and a way to enquire further.

Thank God we both knew exactly the kind of children we were hoping to receive into our family so it didn't take long to draw up a short list. In fact, we finished sooner than with our Tesco list, but boy, was it million times harder!!!

Naturally the Saviour complex kicked in and we wanted to rescue ALL the short-listed siblings in the system. Then we started to read their profiles. Hubby is smarter as he purposefully didn't look at the photos first. I couldn't ignore the pictures and with pretty much all the children I noticed something familiar: a smile; that mischievous look; those adventurous feet; the longing to be loved and cherished.

Not fully understanding the system just yet we clicked on ‘enquire further’ a few times. Then we went to bed still feeling enveloped by the excited-happy-scared loop.  

Today at work my phone dinged. The message read ‘a link was made’.

 A LINK WAS MADE!

We were told family finding can take a long time. All the way from day one everybody in the know told us to prepare for a long wait and we were. Deep down I was happy with it as I still think I am not ready to become a mummy. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never feel ready so I could overcome this nagging feeling of ‘not being there yet’. I even drew up a long list of reasons why it is good not to have the children just yet, although hubs doesn't share my views; he chose to drop the ‘scared’ bit from his loop and wishes the children were placed yesterday. All our friends encourage us with ‘it will happen in God’s time.’ Right... But! What if this time is NOW?

As I type this 2 SW are exchanging our PAR and the children’s CPR and I feel a level of panic creeping up in my heart. OMG! This is really happening!!

Realistically this might not lead to anywhere. This was just the very first step. So many unknowns, so many variables, so many potential outcomes... One of those might just change my life forever! Not like getting married; it will be much-much bigger! That I am sure of! What I am unsure of is how will I react if this progresses in the right direction??? 

So, for now, a link is made. And I am choosing to drop the ‘scared’ bit of the loop and just embrace this truly exciting moment in time and not worry about the next steps!