The Power of Play

We all agree that playing is fun! It's needed. Regardless of your age or gender. We all love to play. Some alone, some in groups; some together for a common goal, others play competitively; some with recycled cheap rubbish (and lots of imagination) others with super expensive gadgets.

But what if you don't know HOW TO play?

For most of us it's a silly question that we dismiss with a wave of a hand 'How can you not know how to play? Even poor African children who have nothing know how to have fun in the dirt. Everybody has an imagination! Surely every child has creative ways of entertaining themselves!' Surely...

My 2 boys came from the same home, experienced the same neglect, but have different personalities. One escaped the harsh reality by creating an imaginary world in his head where he is safe, happy and can think up all sorts of funny things to keep him entertained. The other one just shut himself down completely and used his body parts to fight everybody and everything. For him, this was play...

Fast forward to living in several foster carers' homes with left over broken toys from previous children and lots of new ones given for their birthdays, Christmas or just to 'keep them quiet'. During Intros we found out the boys' favourite past time was to watch telly, play on their tablets, play on their Nintendo DS or play with their Nintendo Wii. All activities designed to escape from reality, narrow your focus on a tiny screen, avoid eye contact or conversation with anybody else. To the last FC's credit the boys had lots of cars, toys, Lego, domino...etc but they hardly played with it and even then they just threw them around so naturally all were broken.

One of the hardest thing was (besides the many obvious) for us to get them free from their screen addiction. With a swift decision we removed all gadgets from their new room and replaced them with educational games, board games, we increased their Lego collection and introduced weekly crafty activities. We also played with them various sporty activities in the garden, did other fun stuff like snail races or comparing worms and now we are at a point where they don't even miss their gadgets. So, they can have them as treats from time to time. They are no longer a tool to 'give parents/carers a break' but rewards to acknowledge and celebrate when the boys achieved something.

When he is free to be a little boy and use his imagination outside of his head...
He made these 4 designs in 15 min!

To be fair we can't claim much credit for this. I must mention that we are one of the very fortunate adopters who could access Play Therapy from very early on. At first I didn't feel comfortable watching my child on the play mat with the therapist. They were surrounded by boxes of toys (doll house with figures, crafts, puppets, toy cars, soft toys, animals, dress up props and lots more) and the boys were so overwhelmed they didn't know what to do, what to play with first and ended up having meltdowns. The 'play lady' was fabulous and week after week the boys felt more confident, more excited and more animated during each session. I could not understand how 20 min of throwing puppets around would help them be less chaotic, more manageable, less violent, more settled.... simply put: How will playing help all four of us to survive this adoption???

Fast forward again a few months and suddenly we started to see the transformation! Goofs' (6) angry outbursts and Child on Parent Violence (CPV) subsided significantly. He was still getting all upset and worked up about the same simple issues like 'go brush your teeth', but he could calm down much faster without the need to hurt us or break something. I do not wish to over-simplify this complex issue and I am certainly no expert on this topic, but in short by allowing 'him to decide all the fun things we do in play therapy' and making it clear 'all feelings are OK on the play mat' he was able to work through some of his control issues while playing on the mat and week after week he was more compliant at home. I am still amazed and often jokingly describe play therapy as 'black magic'. He is rapidly turning into a sweet little boy who is no longer crippled and determined by the horror, trauma and loss he experienced so his fun, creative, kind self can come to the surface for all to see and love!

Snoops' (7) imagination is wonderful. These are his newest creations for his next story.
N.B.: all names are Trade Marked already :) 

Play Therapy slowly turned into Filial Therapy so it was no longer the therapist on the play mat but mummy and daddy. That really opened up ways for him to heal at a speed not even his therapist expected. With him, after 9 months in placement we are in a place where Attunement is no longer enough! I mean it in the best possible way! The therapist is training hubby and I now to practice Congruence, which is like an advanced level Empathy & Attunement combo - if I understand it correctly...

Last week we were given a few boxes of toys by a friend; most of them are age appropriate. There was a puzzle game for toddlers that I wanted to donate further thinking boys will find it 'childish'. (yes, I know... that's irony for ya). Goofs saw it and asked what it was. Before I could explain he started playing with it. I took the opportunity to do Play Tracking (a therapy technique, basically I describe what is happening, mention every emotion that can come up) and suddenly the miracle happened!

Goofs felt free to regress to a younger age and he felt safe enough to start talking about his past - for the very first time! We obviously knew most of the horror, but not from him! While his fingers were busy he was in a happy chatty mood. He talked about his birth dad, what happened, HOW HE FELT during those times. The puzzle was complete, but he felt safe to stay in the 'zone' so I ventured into asking about his time in Foster Care, the constant change, his feelings around meeting us, Intros, his initial aggression and CPV and its roots! It was such a weird experience: He is 6! His emotional age was 3-4 at that moment. His words were as of a grown up!

Allowing him to regress and enjoy toddler toys immensely

He described the nervousness he felt, he was unsure if 'this will work out this time', 'can I trust you', 'will you be nice to me', 'will I get punished for not knowing your house rules' , 'can we stay here forever or is this just another stop'. I tried my best to stay Attuned and not switch back into 'teary mummy mode' so we discussed how all those were understandable feelings and that no child should experience that and alike. After about 15 minutes of very intense therapeutic parenting he switched back to a 6 year old and asked what's for dinner. He reached his limit for the time being.

Last night I called him 'my son' without even thinking twice about it. He turned around and asked: 'From now on, can you please call me MY SON and not my first name please?' When I said of course he jumped into my arms and said 'You are my bestest Mummy ever!' Sounds like the 5th time might be the charm??

Post Christmas Blues

The good news is (besides Jesus being born and bringing salvation to the world) we survived the Christmas holidays. Husband took time off of work, which meant the four of us were together straight for 18 days from morning till night - the longest time we have spent together since we met 8 months ago. Looking back now I can honestly say it made a huge difference and raised the question whether we should have done that at the beginning... Despite what many adopters said to us we agreed with our SWs that the boys needed structure so they went straight into school a few days after they moved in.

We were prepared for the worst; not just by SWs, Play Therapists and other experts, but also fellow adopters. The general consensus was: LAC DON'T DO CHRISTMAS! Well, I am happy to say this is not true!

In general I can say we had a very OK time, even lovely at times. That's not to say we didn't have meltdowns and tantrums that were rooted in their horrible past, but all in all we had a very pleasant time - even hubby agrees who could take the xmas break for what it's supposed to be: a time of rest. (you know, we, stay home mums don't count as we 'rest during the days, every day in fact, when the kids are in school' anyway...)

We tried to stick with some structure that involved breakfast, play time, lunch, go outside, film, dinner, play, sleep. Depending on the weather we swapped these around, but we did go out almost every day except Xmas Day when we all had a Pyjama Day. Husband used to take Goofs (6) to a nearby country park every time he had aggressive outbursts to burn off some anger. We drove past said park one day and he recognised it. Oddly he didn't attach negative feelings to it, it was only a matter-of-fact remark (a child after my own heart! :) ). Snoops (7) has never been there and asked if we could go as a family. We did and I am happy to say this is the boys' favourite place to go now! Lots of adventures to have, ponds, secret paths, mud, sticks, animals, ice to break...

We also allowed them to watch cartoons on a laptop every morning (normally they get it on the weekends only) to ensure parents can have a sleep in, which worked extremely well! Because hubby is the baker in the house, he decided to try some new bread recipes with the boys. Goofs especially enjoyed channelling his anger into kneading bread! The results were oh so delicious! :)

Naturally we were slightly apprehensive before Xmas Day. On Xmas Eve after they went to bed 'Santa came' meaning he finished the mince pies and milk and left the presents under the tree while Rudolph ate the carrot and accidentally knocked down some decorations (Bad Rudy, bad bad Rudy!) As any parent, you are nervous because of the presents you got hoping they are the right ones and they would be 'enough'. Last year the FC wanted to 'cheer them up after the adoption breakdown' so she went way overboard with the number and value of presents. We knew we can't match that and frankly, we didn't want to either! To be honest we knew they will break any toys within a day anyway, plus we want to teach them what's really important - ambitious goals for our first family Christmas!

Boys were ecstatic to come down on Christmas Day. Goofs' first comment ('Last year we got a lot bigger presents!') came from a place of honesty so we couldn't really be upset with him. Thank God it was quickly replaced by more excitement as they emptied their stockings and opened their presents. I think they got a lot more presents than ever before considering all our extended family members and some of our close friends got them things, which they all labelled as With love from... It's great, but it also looks like Mummy and Daddy got them nothing as everything else was from Santa... :)

 Boys got mugs with special markers to decorate them. Goofs didn't waste time in drawing a happy family of four on it! I showed this pic to his therapist with a question 'Do you think he feels securely attached now?' This is the same boy who had had really nasty angry outbursts, threw things out the window, attacked us violently not very long ago! The therapist just cried... (of joy I hope!)

Daddy, too, went slightly overboard this Christmas. We decorated the house excessively on the first of December (which was a training day for teachers anyways), the tree was up a few days later and xmas music was loud all around the house all month. Aaaand then came the traditional Xmas Dinner. Hubby cooked for 10 people at least so food was falling off of the table even with the extension! :) The boys really enjoyed the big fuss and had a great time! Happy wife child means happy life, indeed!

We played endless amount of Lego and with their new Snakes and Ladders board game. Boys are learning now that 'it's just a game, no need to cry if you loose'; 'it's ok to laugh at other's bad luck, no need to punch them in the face'; 'you are not stupid if you can't roll a 6, it's just about luck'...etc. Again, happy to say they made huge progress in these areas and we can also see how this new knowledge translates into other areas of their behaviour! Amazingly the violent reactions they cultivated towards each other for seemingly small issues (like who brushes their teeth first) are now reduced to a short exchange of words - they still need parental supervision and decision making, but this is definitely a massive step in the right direction!

We even risked a sleepover party at our friends' place on New Years Eve! Boys behaved really well, went to bed around 9pm upstairs so parents could enjoy a fun evening to finish off the year with friends and grown up games! Yay!!!

Going back to school is another trigger for challenging behaviour and again, we were nervous. The boys had such a good time off school we didn't know how they will take it. As it turns out we didn't have to worry. Boys were happy to go back, see their friends, compare notes on who got what presents, even to 'learn new things' (!!! WHAT???).

And to top it off, 2 nights ago Goofs was brushing his teeth after dinner and said: 'mummy, I am dfghshj...' I said 'what?' He spit into the sink, looked at me through the mirror and said 'mummy, I am so happy I have a real mum now' and went back to brushing his teeth. He played it really cool and I didn't correct his terminology. :)))

It was a lovely moment, but we have learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt. Yesterday he smacked his brother with a big book leaving an ugly mark on Snoops' face and when I grabbed his hand to stop him doing it again he started shouting at me saying 'you are nasty, nasty and I hate you so much!' 

There! This is my post Christmas blues...
Hopefully 2017 will work out better!

Forever rooted in uncertainty

It's a rather depressive post, proceed at your own risk!

7 months into placement I came to realise a few things - in all honesty, my conscious mind knew and expected all along, I even fooled myself and others that I was properly prepared for it. Not happy to accept it all 'sold as is', but was willing to work with it, while deep down hoping beyond hope that our new story together as a family of four will be different than other adopters' nightmares. What was fuelling that feeling in me?

1.) Our Christian faith (here you can insert whatever you want from cheesy Bible verses taken out of context through a loving and understanding church and christian community to the idea of you doing something good and self sacrificial, which God will surely bless and somehow make it work)
2.) The fact that we did NOT want to do it for our own need of 'wanting to be parents' but to help children to get out of the system and find a forever home
3.) Without a doubt our own beliefs that we are very capable people, confident in our relationship, confident in our skills and gifts (and the level of patience)
4.) It seemed we had a good support network around us
5.) Good working relationships with LAs, SWs and other professionals

+ the bonus one: We thought we knew where/what our buttons were!

Surely there are many more reasons, but these were the biggest ones.

We attended a 10 weeks long very intensive training on Attachment, Behaviour and Trauma with the PACE model and other very interesting, eye opening and extremely useful topics so we had a fairly good idea of what we are getting ourselves into. Of course they try to prepare you for the worst and after talking to fellow adopters and hearing their never ending nightmares of adoption I can even say our 2 boys are by far not even the worst! They are happy to attend and perform well in school; we can take them shoe shopping; they manage well in crowds (asda or xmas market), once the tantrums and meltdowns are over both boys are capable of coming back to apologise, although sometimes it takes days to calm down; we have been receiving play therapy and filial therapy for many months now and they do make a difference; everybody can see the improvements in both boys...etc. So, you would think it's going well.

I suppose it's a matter of perspective, but it is very hard to change your perspective. Especially if you feel like your own life is slowly fading away in front of your very eyes!

For the last 2 weeks it feels like the boys with their never ending needs, constant button pushing, several unreasonable meltdowns* EVERY SINGLE DAY, with no time for self-care, with no time or space for quality time with husband also with constant lack of sleep they just suck the life out of me like the Dementors** and what's worse, they even suck the will to fight out of me! I have been sick for the last 5 weeks now with flu and I truly believe this is just my body saying you can't go on like this any more! I have zero willpower in me left to even try to be therapeutic / understanding / patient... you get the picture. All my energy and emotions were channelled into supporting their needs 25/7 and all my tanks are dry now. Just before Christmas, when I will need it the most! :(

Goofs (6) has always been real with us! He really struggled with the new placement and adjustments, he was in full on CPV mode attacking us on a daily basis, running away, screaming 'you are not my real mother' or 'I hate you, I want to leave this house'... the usual stuff. It was bloody hard work, but because we knew this we somehow managed to navigate those very hard and challenging months through with him. Today he is much more lovable and he is turning into a sweet little boy. Don't get me wrong, he still has meltdowns, but I think he was able to form attachments to us and it helps him to bounce back much faster after a wobbly moment. He is building up resilience that will help him stand firm when a meltdown is brewing.

Snoops (7) is much more complex. We still feel that we do not know him at all! Just before he came to us a clinical psychologist had the first accurate assessment on him that said his difficulties come from attachment disorder instead of autism. But now, as we see him every day I think I concur with school who says he is definitely on the autistic spectrum, the question is only where exactly. At the moment I am leaning towards 80-20. It is very strange; from his recent behaviour it seems he is 7 months late and he is only catching up now in terms of starting to push boundaries. What's even more unusual is that he is emotionally well versed (thanks to the therapy he received when he was younger) and is able to say things like 'I am only pushing you now and testing you with my behaviour'. The other day after he screamed at my face that I am not his real mother I said very calmly 'well, tell me news, not history' he had the presence to say 'Why are you not upset now? You should be angry now and cry and say hurtful things back at me'. A fair assessment of him would be to say he might present as a securely attached child, however, even the lightest feather can push him back to the deepest pit and even the most patient saint would not be able to put up with that shit he pushes me through and remain sane, let alone muster up enough will to continue to therapeutically approach him.

I spoke to quite a few older and adult adoptees and while I can't say it was a representative research one common theme emerged: no matter how securely attached they were, how much therapy and support they received over the years whenever they faced a problem their initial response was always to regress back to the old hurts, old feelings of 'nobody likes me / no good things will ever happen to me /  everybody is out to hurt me / you can't trust anybody'...etc. I know we are still in the early stages of this placement, but it greatly distresses me that no matter how much we do for them, it seems very likely they will never be free from this! We can work our socks off, sacrifice e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g (your life, friendships, marriage, health, future, money) and still, it will never be enough. Very depressing thought, I know...

So to reflect on the points above:

1.) yeah, right, in your dreams perhaps... :(
2.) it surely helps, but everybody breaks at one point. Mine just took a little longer...
3.) you don't know how rubbish you are until you faced with this. And then there is only down from there...
4.) ummm, hello, is anybody out there? Can anybody hear me or just see the smiling children and think 'she is just complaining too much and too negative' but in reality they don't bother to ask me a direct question or run away before I start to answer
5.) oddly this is the only one that's actually remained the same and continues to go well with most parties involved.

+ 1.) FFS, I didn't use to swear! I never had the inclination to hurt anybody (verbally or physically) until now. Husband was the epitome of patience and I used to like him...

Happy Advent, Everybody!



*yes, yes, yes, we know it is not unreasonable, that it makes perfect sense in their heads, that it is triggered by something that happened in the past

** for explanation click here

Meeting Birth Mum...

The most dreaded meeting of my life was finally happening. We knew that at one point this meeting might happen, but we were hoping Social Services might deem it unsafe and cancel it. It got postponed a few times, but today we actually had to shake hands with that woman.

I have read a lot about how you guys felt during this super awkward meeting, but it's like with so many things in our Big Adoption Reality (BAR): knowing it and experiencing it is so very different! When we read the children's CPR there was no picture of her, but her life was there in great detail. Yes, she was in care herself; yes, she was very unlucky always getting mixed up with the wrong crowd; yes she was in a wrong place at the wrong time; yes, she has made several poor choices. BUT no, none of these justify why she was abusive towards her own children, why she inflicted physical and emotional pain on her little ones; no,  none of these are good enough reasons why she constantly refused help from Social Services. I can see her as a victim, too, don't get me wrong. But sharing a cuppa with her, having a very pleasant conversation with her, chatting and laughing about MY children... well, HER children... well, OUR children - you get the idea that it was very confusing, right?

We got there before she arrived. Oddly nobody thought about the sign in book we had to fill in. What's the point in being all secretive about names and locations if we put all our details into that book only for her to see it when she arrives a minute later??? So I signed us in as Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I doubt anybody noticed... We were sitting in a conference room with our SW and my pre-approved questions. The children's SW walked in and THE Mother was behind her. To be honest, we had no idea what to expect. Based on the description and the horror she inflicted on her children I did not expect such a meek, polite and pleasant woman, just the opposite. But she looked just like Goofs! I could have picked her from a line of 100 almost identical women! My brain still doesn't compute that the woman sitting in front of me is the same who caused all that trauma to the boys...

She was very civilised and we went along with it. She had a few questions about the boys and we responded sometimes in greater detail, sometimes in vague terms. She was very pleased to hear I signed up the boys to their respective after-school clubs, because she thought both were gifted in those respective areas. We did talk to her about some of the activities we did with them since they moved in and she said 'I am so glad they get to experience those with you, sadly I couldn't offer those opportunities for them.' I know I was supposed to feel compassionate about all that, but I kept thinking I spent only 50p on the pumpkin he carved for Halloween, she had spent a lot more on the pan she used to hit him with! We always have choices!

Sitting there listening to her stories felt very weird. She came across as a person, who KNOWS of the birth mother of my boys, not as somebody who IS the birth mother herself. I suppose that is her way of coping with this tragedy of loosing her children. She emotionally distanced herself from everything that happened and created her own new history in which they were a very happy family of X and everything was peachy. I honestly didn't expect her to say 'I was a rubbish mother' or anything along those lines, but I think I could have liked her a bit if she said something like 'I tried, but...' and gave me excuses. Choosing to focus only on the good bits is something I totally get and even admire in my/her/our boys, but for the boys it was the only way to survive those years while she is now conveniently forgets that she was responsible for most of the bad stuff!

Hubby and I managed to keep our cool and ask all the usual questions from the story of their unusual first names to their favourite foods and toys as babies and toddlers. She even talked about the father quite a lot. We did have moments when she shared something about one of the boys and I was smiling and nodding saying 'yes, he still does that' and vica versa. I said something funny and she added 'he was always like that, he got it from X'. The only time I almost lost it was when she admitted 'they witnessed some bad bits, but I am hopeful they won't remember any of it'. This was after we had said something about Snoops remembering a ball being kicked over his head when he was younger and BM said that his father had done that when Snoops had been 6 months old.

A few weeks ago after a very upsetting day Snoops decided it was time he shared stuff with me about her. The poor kid was shaking from top to bottom as he struggled to utter the words, he was choking on his own tears as he recalled some of the horror she subjected him to.

I so wanted to scream at her: 'Bloody hell, woman, did you just listen to your words??? They both remember every tiny detail! Of course they do! Why do you think they both have night terrors every night? Why do you think they are in constant flight/fight mode? Why do you think they have massive anxieties, challenging behaviour or lack of trust towards anyone? Why do they need years of therapy? Why do you think they HATE you? Because they remember! You created this alternate reality where you are all fine, but I have to pick up the pieces every single time! They are nasty to ME, violent towards us because YOU screwed them up!'

But I just sat there quietly looking at her. I thought if I loose it now chances are good she will contest the whole adoption process again. Instead I told her we will make sure the boys won't forget about her. She said thank you. We took a picture of the 3 of us, shook hands and she left. Hours later the children's SW called to say she thinks I was brilliant. Apparently BM is very pleased with us and how well the boys are settled. She also thinks we are wonderful and she promised not to contest the adoption order. So, was it worth it? Definitely. Will I be able to explain the boys why she couldn't keep them safe? I don't think so...

When the ice-cream licks you back...

I don't fancy Pain Au Chocolate as a breakfast treat, but the boys love them so from time to time I do make them. Yesterday Goofs (6) noticed my dislike for the first time in 6 months and he turned to me with his kindest smile and used his best mummy imitation voice 'Just try it, you might like it!' :) I was speechless and all I could think of was 'well played, son!'. So obediently - and also to show a good example - I ate my pastry and I even managed to muster up a smile. His pleased expression was probably a perfect copy of my pleased expression when I can get him to try something. Again, I have only myself to blame if blame needs to be assigned to somebody at all. His logic is sound!

I shared this snippet on Twitter and soon fellow adopters shared similar funny stories. One person added 'we don't even say that!', which got me thinking. We often talk about the invisible backpack our adopted/fostered children come with, but until now I somehow didn't consider the different parenting styles these little ones had to get familiar with in each placement. I always focused on the loss and trauma, the neglect and abuse or the rootlessness and always having to start everything from scratch. I didn't think much about the positives each placement (with the new carers, extended family, school, Social Workers or friends) adds to their overwhelmingly sad stories. And just like each and every one of us have different parenting styles I often wonder how incredibly confused these children are having been experienced various house rules, boundaries, sense of humour, levels of expected independence or responsibilities...

I love it when our boys, as a way of introducing themselves, say 'we can't sit next to each other because we mess around too much'. Or when they sat in our car for the very first time during introductions and as soon as they heard the satnav's female voice say 'turn right' they stopped fighting and almost simultaneously told me 'everybody must stay quiet now so the driver can hear the directions'. We couldn't contain our giggles and say our quiet thanks to whoever insisted on this rule.

We were open to talk to the boys about previous placements, Foster Carers, even birth family if they brought it up so it was natural to hear about some of the rules they had to get used to. We only met their last FC and the more time we spent with her the more we realised how much of her tone, sayings and mannerisms are reflected in the boys' words and behaviour. We know quite a lot about their previous FCs because they enjoy sharing stories. It amazes me so much how resilient they are and consciously or subconsciously, but they choose to remember the good bits! They even remember their house rules as positives!

The age old question of nature vs nurture comes to mind and I can't help noticing that our boys pick up more and more of 'us and our ways' each day. They are quick to point out if we do/expect something differently than their previous imprints, but eventually they agree to do it our way, which I usually take as a good sign of them wanting to attach and be integrated to our family. We always try to listen to their previous experiences first and if reasonable, we make adjustments to our expectations and house rules; partly because we are humble enough to admit if somebody knows better (not to mention FCs usually have more experience than us, beginner parents) and partly because we do not want to confuse them any further. If it's not fundamentally necessary to change it, we accept the boys' imprinted nurture as their new default nature and work around it...

All hail Fusion Parenting!

Letters - easier than words

This morning was all about letters. We started the day at 5.23 am with a knock on my door saying Snoops wet the bed. After doing the usual things I put him back to bed saying 'it's still early so you should sleep and even if you don't go back to sleep for the love of everything please DO NOT wake your brother'. Of course in 5 minutes I heard both boys were up and being more noisy than usual. When I asked him why he woke his brother Snoops told me it was because 'I don't love you'. This led to a long discussion between him and I and it culminated in him looking angry with me and running into his bedroom slamming the door shut. While I was talking to the little one he passed the first letter to me. 'My heart is broken'.

When I went downstairs to prepare breakfast he marched down the stairs with another letter that said 'I hate you mummy!' (funny though, he only calls me 'Mummy' when he is cross with me, in any other times I am merely 'Mom')

I don't remember now which one of you, lovely adoptive dads wrote on his blog a while back about a similar note, but I remember well his actions so I did the same. I commented on how brave he is to say that to me and expressed my delight that he feels so secure and safe here that he can discuss his feelings with me. I put his note on the fridge door and secured it with some of his favourite magnets. Obviously he was very puzzled and just continued mumbling about how much he hates me. I told him 'that's fine, but I still love you.' 'No, I know you hate me!' Before I could respond Goofs chipped in 'if Mummy really hated you she would kick you out of the house for good'. Well, thanks kiddo, that's technically true, but not a helpful comment at the moment...

Snoops was so terrified of the possibility that his suspicions (I hate him) were correct that he was covering his eyes and could not even look up, let alone look at me. I went through the whole therapeutic damage control of  'of course I don't hate you, I love you very much, you are safe here, you are not going anywhere, you are having some big emotions at the moment, it's ok to feel cross or upset, it doesn't mean you don't love the other person'...etc - the usual stuff I am sure you all know and use on a daily basis.

He kept on saying 'what you say is not true, I know you hate me and I hate you back'. I told him that makes me sad that he feels that way, but that's ok. He then dropped his spoon and ran upstairs. I didn't go after him as I suspected another letter is coming soon.

This latest note said 'I love you so much, but that is not true, I just say it to make you happy.'  Again, taking another deep breath and 'oh, that is a lovely note! I really appreciate your honesty and you are such a kind boy who wants to make me happy, that's very thoughtful of you, I love you and I love this note so thank you so much'. I put this letter next to the other one on the fridge.

Goofs felt left out of the morning drama so he told his brother 'now which one is it, really? You can't hate and love Mummy at the same time. Look at me, I love Mummy so I kiss her <demonstrated> and she loves me back <looking expectantly at me>. After I kissed his cheeky little face he continued 'Mummy, he needs to choose one, right? The other letter should go to the bin!' If I wasn't in the middle of this I would smile at his comments; he clearly wants to fix the problem and doesn't get it that it's not his task, but mine...

Putting on my best therapeutic voice I asked him to go brush his teeth and turned to his brother. We went through the same routine as above and I tried my very best to look at him with love and a smile on my face. He stole a few glances at me and you could almost see the cogs going overdrive in his head. He wanted to believe what was said, but he knew better! Grown ups always lie, they always hurt little ones, nobody likes me, everybody leaves me and there is no way out of this. Ever. EVER!

I kept on talking about the too many big feelings that will make his stomach sick and the 'I wonder if you are feeling...' guessing conversation to show I know how he feels and let him know there is a way out. We eventually got to the point where I could look him in the eye and say 'maybe deep down you love me and you are upset and you feel ashamed and now you worry even more and a good solution would be if you said you are sorry for saying hurtful things to me, I would say it's ok, I would tell you I am not angry, I love you and I forgive you, we would hug and suddenly your big feelings in your stomach would go away...' 

Boy thinking hard if it's worth the risk...
Hours (seconds really) pass by silently...
Boy looks at me over his shoulder...
'Mummy, I am sorry...'

We hug for long minutes, when he sees it in my eyes that I truly am not angry/sad/upset/cross the floodgate opens and he jumps back into my arms sobbing like never before. You could literally hear this heavy burden roll off of his heart and absolution taking over! Then suddenly he ran away again, which was good timing as I was about to burst out crying myself. These are the moments I am reminded again and again why we chose to adopt children. With love and determination it IS possible to change their stories!!!

A minute later he returned with this note: 'I love you Mummy very much and I hope you will have a lovely day (lots of hearts), I love you so much!' And I know this time he meant it with all his heart!

And it's not even 8 am yet!

Smile-worthy snippets

After the past few heavy topics I think a lighthearted post is due so here are some fun moments from the last 4 months. Some of those I have shared already on Twitter with the #GlowMo. A few weeks ago we were discussing a good tag with fellow adopters (to share not just the hardships and questions but those occasional good bits as well) to help us re-focus and somebody came up with this hashtag and it kinda stuck...

Hubby and I are both geeks and have lots of sci-fi stuff in our house. As soon as the boys moved in they each grabbed a Star Wars plush toy (R2D2 & BB8) from the huge toy box as their new favourite sleep buddy. Even though they have never seen Star Wars they can whistle the theme songs and Goofs' favourite character is 'Dark Vader' (sic). Snoops can give you a lecture on the story (well, mostly made up version), but it's highly entertaining, when you can keep a straight face.

Both boys are very polite! Even when they are angry! It's really hard to remain unmoved when they shout at me in anger: 'Mummy, could you please shut up?'

When Snoops came out of his RE class his first question was 'Are we Muslims?' 'No, we are not.' I replied. He let out a breath he was holding and the weight of the world rolled off his shoulder. 'Oh, thank God, I could NOT pray 5 times a day!'

Snoops wanted to watch a film with me sitting next to him. 5 min into the movie he says 'Mummy, while I watch this movie can you make my snacks? You are such a great COOKER.'

We were playing with foam noodles. Hubby used it to knight Goofs, who of course copies everything and wanted to do the same to me. He didn't quite catch every word correctly though... He told me to 'knee down, because hereby I unite you to Sir Mummy. You may rised up.'

Snoops saw a car driving too fast in front of school. He raised his hand and shouted after him 'you will be under arrested and next time I go to London I will report you to the Queen directly.'

We took the boys to a geeky convention where many people were wearing home made costumes (cosplay). Snoops went up to a guy who wore a St Johns First Aid uniform and dead seriously he asked him 'excuse me sir, I don't recognise your costume. Which film are you from?'

Snoops farts constantly regardless of what food/drinks he takes. He thinks it's funny and his 6y old brother laughs too so it's hard for me to keep telling him it's not OK. After one particularly loud and long fart he looked at me and said 'Mummy, from now on just call me Sir Snoops Pump-a-lot.'

Snoops praying before breakfast: 'Thank you God for making daddy's brain pancake-y today' (what he meant to say was he was happy my husband thought about making pancakes for breakfast.)

Snoops has some funny prayer comments too. Last night he finished praying by saying 'aaaaand I hope you God can have a good and relaxing day tomorrow.'

Snoops was preparing food during a session with his play therapist and when she wanted to eat her imaginary pancake he slapped on her hand shouting 'stop! We haven't prayed yet for the food!'

Snoops is quite good at playing alone and coming up with self-entertaining songs. Once I overheard him singing to himself 'I love my beautiful mummy'. When I went in he denied it of course...

I took up therapeutic art classes once a week. I have never painted in my entire life, not even in school so I really didn't have any expectations. Naturally I was the most surprised when I managed to create a dormant tree that I actually liked. I brought the painting home to show it to the boys. Before I could say anything Snoops said 'wow, that is very nice. Where did you buy it?' Me: 'Do you like it?' 'Yes, I love it.' 'Well, I am glad, because guess what, I painted it!' At this point his toy fell out of his hand and he gave me the most incredible stare, wide eyes, open mouth, the whole thing. After he recovered he said 'wow, I actually really like it. I mean it, mummy, I am VERY impressed with you!'

All the time we do something that's a FIRST for them, Goofs always declares to the whole word 'this is officially the best day of my life!' When we had BBQ in the garden, when we took them on a double decker bus, when I made them chocolate-in-banana dessert over the fire, when we went to the Lego shop...etc.

Goofs realising that I don't fit his idea of a female carer and when he bumped his head or got knocked down by a big wave I was THERE for him to keep him safe and him saying 'I am ok because my Mummy will keep me safe'

We were at the playground and when Snoops and other boys were 'working on the hyper drive of the spacecraft' I was the only mother who knew what a hyper drive was, how does it work, how to fix it and I was the only adult who actually climbed under the playground equipment to fix it. My son was running around shouting 'my mummy fixed the hyper drive' while other boys looked sadly towards their parents who saw nothing of it because they were too busy starring at their phones. I felt smug!

Snoops coming to me one evening saying very sincerely 'Mummy you are so beautiful I can't look at your face without smiling!'

Snoops approaching me with a cheeky smile and great expectations in his eyes: 'Mummy, did you not know I have lots of space on my face for kisses?' Needless to say I tested out those places and we both loved it!

Snoops is VERY good with building/creating things may it be Lego, play dough or actual bricks. While we were waiting for his brother he built a proper square foundation with piping and wiring of a tiny house. Even the head teacher was impressed!

Snoops is very observant. We were playing pretend-cooking in the playground when he 'discovered' that his oven is broken. He ran away to 'buy' a new one. When he came back he 'installed' the new oven, but when I wanted to put the food in he stopped me saying 'you silly billy, we can't use it yet. I can't plug it in before I find a rubber mat to cover the cable for safety. Don't you know, mummy, safety is good for you and death-ness is bad!'

Miraculously one morning they managed to stay quiet till 7 am. When I walked to their room both boys were drawing in their drawing pads and Snoops said to Goofs: 'Let's draw our favourite black hole again, but this time make it colourful, ok?'

This week I was walking home from school with Goofs. He saw a girl from his school walking in the opposite direction. I was walking ahead of him and the next thing I hear is a loud bang. I turned around and saw Goofs was about to cry. 'Did you bump into that lamp post?' Tears start rolling down his face. 'Did you not see the lamp post?' 'I was looking at that...girl umm, wall.' Wall, huh? He was totally checking out that girl, following her with his head while continued walking ahead... It was VERY hard not to show him how amused I was! And he is only 6! Starting early, are we?

Snoops is very smart who needs constant challenges. Last night I let him play with my Chinese Chequers. After I explained the rules he started playing and managed to clear all but 3 balls on the board! I was very impressed! :)

And my all time favourite:
In school and also in the park several people commented on 'how much the boys look like me!' :) This one never gets old!!!