The Power of Play

We all agree that playing is fun! It's needed. Regardless of your age or gender. We all love to play. Some alone, some in groups; some together for a common goal, others play competitively; some with recycled cheap rubbish (and lots of imagination) others with super expensive gadgets.

But what if you don't know HOW TO play?

For most of us it's a silly question that we dismiss with a wave of a hand 'How can you not know how to play? Even poor African children who have nothing know how to have fun in the dirt. Everybody has an imagination! Surely every child has creative ways of entertaining themselves!' Surely...

My 2 boys came from the same home, experienced the same neglect, but have different personalities. One escaped the harsh reality by creating an imaginary world in his head where he is safe, happy and can think up all sorts of funny things to keep him entertained. The other one just shut himself down completely and used his body parts to fight everybody and everything. For him, this was play...

Fast forward to living in several foster carers' homes with left over broken toys from previous children and lots of new ones given for their birthdays, Christmas or just to 'keep them quiet'. During Intros we found out the boys' favourite past time was to watch telly, play on their tablets, play on their Nintendo DS or play with their Nintendo Wii. All activities designed to escape from reality, narrow your focus on a tiny screen, avoid eye contact or conversation with anybody else. To the last FC's credit the boys had lots of cars, toys, Lego, domino...etc but they hardly played with it and even then they just threw them around so naturally all were broken.

One of the hardest thing was (besides the many obvious) for us to get them free from their screen addiction. With a swift decision we removed all gadgets from their new room and replaced them with educational games, board games, we increased their Lego collection and introduced weekly crafty activities. We also played with them various sporty activities in the garden, did other fun stuff like snail races or comparing worms and now we are at a point where they don't even miss their gadgets. So, they can have them as treats from time to time. They are no longer a tool to 'give parents/carers a break' but rewards to acknowledge and celebrate when the boys achieved something.

When he is free to be a little boy and use his imagination outside of his head...
He made these 4 designs in 15 min!

To be fair we can't claim much credit for this. I must mention that we are one of the very fortunate adopters who could access Play Therapy from very early on. At first I didn't feel comfortable watching my child on the play mat with the therapist. They were surrounded by boxes of toys (doll house with figures, crafts, puppets, toy cars, soft toys, animals, dress up props and lots more) and the boys were so overwhelmed they didn't know what to do, what to play with first and ended up having meltdowns. The 'play lady' was fabulous and week after week the boys felt more confident, more excited and more animated during each session. I could not understand how 20 min of throwing puppets around would help them be less chaotic, more manageable, less violent, more settled.... simply put: How will playing help all four of us to survive this adoption???

Fast forward again a few months and suddenly we started to see the transformation! Goofs' (6) angry outbursts and Child on Parent Violence (CPV) subsided significantly. He was still getting all upset and worked up about the same simple issues like 'go brush your teeth', but he could calm down much faster without the need to hurt us or break something. I do not wish to over-simplify this complex issue and I am certainly no expert on this topic, but in short by allowing 'him to decide all the fun things we do in play therapy' and making it clear 'all feelings are OK on the play mat' he was able to work through some of his control issues while playing on the mat and week after week he was more compliant at home. I am still amazed and often jokingly describe play therapy as 'black magic'. He is rapidly turning into a sweet little boy who is no longer crippled and determined by the horror, trauma and loss he experienced so his fun, creative, kind self can come to the surface for all to see and love!

Snoops' (7) imagination is wonderful. These are his newest creations for his next story.
N.B.: all names are Trade Marked already :) 

Play Therapy slowly turned into Filial Therapy so it was no longer the therapist on the play mat but mummy and daddy. That really opened up ways for him to heal at a speed not even his therapist expected. With him, after 9 months in placement we are in a place where Attunement is no longer enough! I mean it in the best possible way! The therapist is training hubby and I now to practice Congruence, which is like an advanced level Empathy & Attunement combo - if I understand it correctly...

Last week we were given a few boxes of toys by a friend; most of them are age appropriate. There was a puzzle game for toddlers that I wanted to donate further thinking boys will find it 'childish'. (yes, I know... that's irony for ya). Goofs saw it and asked what it was. Before I could explain he started playing with it. I took the opportunity to do Play Tracking (a therapy technique, basically I describe what is happening, mention every emotion that can come up) and suddenly the miracle happened!

Goofs felt free to regress to a younger age and he felt safe enough to start talking about his past - for the very first time! We obviously knew most of the horror, but not from him! While his fingers were busy he was in a happy chatty mood. He talked about his birth dad, what happened, HOW HE FELT during those times. The puzzle was complete, but he felt safe to stay in the 'zone' so I ventured into asking about his time in Foster Care, the constant change, his feelings around meeting us, Intros, his initial aggression and CPV and its roots! It was such a weird experience: He is 6! His emotional age was 3-4 at that moment. His words were as of a grown up!

Allowing him to regress and enjoy toddler toys immensely

He described the nervousness he felt, he was unsure if 'this will work out this time', 'can I trust you', 'will you be nice to me', 'will I get punished for not knowing your house rules' , 'can we stay here forever or is this just another stop'. I tried my best to stay Attuned and not switch back into 'teary mummy mode' so we discussed how all those were understandable feelings and that no child should experience that and alike. After about 15 minutes of very intense therapeutic parenting he switched back to a 6 year old and asked what's for dinner. He reached his limit for the time being.

Last night I called him 'my son' without even thinking twice about it. He turned around and asked: 'From now on, can you please call me MY SON and not my first name please?' When I said of course he jumped into my arms and said 'You are my bestest Mummy ever!' Sounds like the 5th time might be the charm??

Forever rooted in uncertainty

It's a rather depressive post, proceed at your own risk!

7 months into placement I came to realise a few things - in all honesty, my conscious mind knew and expected all along, I even fooled myself and others that I was properly prepared for it. Not happy to accept it all 'sold as is', but was willing to work with it, while deep down hoping beyond hope that our new story together as a family of four will be different than other adopters' nightmares. What was fuelling that feeling in me?

1.) Our Christian faith (here you can insert whatever you want from cheesy Bible verses taken out of context through a loving and understanding church and christian community to the idea of you doing something good and self sacrificial, which God will surely bless and somehow make it work)
2.) The fact that we did NOT want to do it for our own need of 'wanting to be parents' but to help children to get out of the system and find a forever home
3.) Without a doubt our own beliefs that we are very capable people, confident in our relationship, confident in our skills and gifts (and the level of patience)
4.) It seemed we had a good support network around us
5.) Good working relationships with LAs, SWs and other professionals

+ the bonus one: We thought we knew where/what our buttons were!

Surely there are many more reasons, but these were the biggest ones.

We attended a 10 weeks long very intensive training on Attachment, Behaviour and Trauma with the PACE model and other very interesting, eye opening and extremely useful topics so we had a fairly good idea of what we are getting ourselves into. Of course they try to prepare you for the worst and after talking to fellow adopters and hearing their never ending nightmares of adoption I can even say our 2 boys are by far not even the worst! They are happy to attend and perform well in school; we can take them shoe shopping; they manage well in crowds (asda or xmas market), once the tantrums and meltdowns are over both boys are capable of coming back to apologise, although sometimes it takes days to calm down; we have been receiving play therapy and filial therapy for many months now and they do make a difference; everybody can see the improvements in both boys...etc. So, you would think it's going well.

I suppose it's a matter of perspective, but it is very hard to change your perspective. Especially if you feel like your own life is slowly fading away in front of your very eyes!

For the last 2 weeks it feels like the boys with their never ending needs, constant button pushing, several unreasonable meltdowns* EVERY SINGLE DAY, with no time for self-care, with no time or space for quality time with husband also with constant lack of sleep they just suck the life out of me like the Dementors** and what's worse, they even suck the will to fight out of me! I have been sick for the last 5 weeks now with flu and I truly believe this is just my body saying you can't go on like this any more! I have zero willpower in me left to even try to be therapeutic / understanding / patient... you get the picture. All my energy and emotions were channelled into supporting their needs 25/7 and all my tanks are dry now. Just before Christmas, when I will need it the most! :(

Goofs (6) has always been real with us! He really struggled with the new placement and adjustments, he was in full on CPV mode attacking us on a daily basis, running away, screaming 'you are not my real mother' or 'I hate you, I want to leave this house'... the usual stuff. It was bloody hard work, but because we knew this we somehow managed to navigate those very hard and challenging months through with him. Today he is much more lovable and he is turning into a sweet little boy. Don't get me wrong, he still has meltdowns, but I think he was able to form attachments to us and it helps him to bounce back much faster after a wobbly moment. He is building up resilience that will help him stand firm when a meltdown is brewing.

Snoops (7) is much more complex. We still feel that we do not know him at all! Just before he came to us a clinical psychologist had the first accurate assessment on him that said his difficulties come from attachment disorder instead of autism. But now, as we see him every day I think I concur with school who says he is definitely on the autistic spectrum, the question is only where exactly. At the moment I am leaning towards 80-20. It is very strange; from his recent behaviour it seems he is 7 months late and he is only catching up now in terms of starting to push boundaries. What's even more unusual is that he is emotionally well versed (thanks to the therapy he received when he was younger) and is able to say things like 'I am only pushing you now and testing you with my behaviour'. The other day after he screamed at my face that I am not his real mother I said very calmly 'well, tell me news, not history' he had the presence to say 'Why are you not upset now? You should be angry now and cry and say hurtful things back at me'. A fair assessment of him would be to say he might present as a securely attached child, however, even the lightest feather can push him back to the deepest pit and even the most patient saint would not be able to put up with that shit he pushes me through and remain sane, let alone muster up enough will to continue to therapeutically approach him.

I spoke to quite a few older and adult adoptees and while I can't say it was a representative research one common theme emerged: no matter how securely attached they were, how much therapy and support they received over the years whenever they faced a problem their initial response was always to regress back to the old hurts, old feelings of 'nobody likes me / no good things will ever happen to me /  everybody is out to hurt me / you can't trust anybody'...etc. I know we are still in the early stages of this placement, but it greatly distresses me that no matter how much we do for them, it seems very likely they will never be free from this! We can work our socks off, sacrifice e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g (your life, friendships, marriage, health, future, money) and still, it will never be enough. Very depressing thought, I know...

So to reflect on the points above:

1.) yeah, right, in your dreams perhaps... :(
2.) it surely helps, but everybody breaks at one point. Mine just took a little longer...
3.) you don't know how rubbish you are until you faced with this. And then there is only down from there...
4.) ummm, hello, is anybody out there? Can anybody hear me or just see the smiling children and think 'she is just complaining too much and too negative' but in reality they don't bother to ask me a direct question or run away before I start to answer
5.) oddly this is the only one that's actually remained the same and continues to go well with most parties involved.

+ 1.) FFS, I didn't use to swear! I never had the inclination to hurt anybody (verbally or physically) until now. Husband was the epitome of patience and I used to like him...

Happy Advent, Everybody!



*yes, yes, yes, we know it is not unreasonable, that it makes perfect sense in their heads, that it is triggered by something that happened in the past

** for explanation click here

Face/Off

If I wasn't talking about my son, as a bad joke I would say: Could the person who took our angry, aggressive and utterly difficult Goofs and replaced him with his sweet, cuddly, compliant and all around lovely 6 year old identical twin please KEEP him and never return??? :)

After last week's blog post (which is really usually a week or two behind real time for obvious reasons) I am happy to say things are changing. We are still unsure of the 'whys', but some of the new developments we really enjoy!

2 weeks ago on Friday at 9.05 am I got the dreaded call from school: "mrs X, Goofs had an accident and bumped his head. Could you please collect him?' Turns out school is really not that far when you run like Usain Bolt... Poor little boy had a massive bump on his tiny head and was quite distressed. He was also pleasantly surprised to see me. I was also pleasantly surprised he wanted to hold my hand as we walked to the GP. As we waited we talked (???) and had a good time. GP told us to go home and rest, but he wanted to go back to school so I dropped him off and walked home. As soon as I got home my phone rang again 'mrs X the teacher thinks he should be home, please collect him.' Well, I agree, but Goofs made a huge tantrum in front of the teachers saying how much he hates me and our house and he ran away. His young new teacher looked at me concerned (I think she had doubts about me...), but when I suggested we eat school dinner together and go home he was over the moon. In the dining hall he ran around and told everyone proudly 'this is my mummy'. At home we played Lego and we both had a genuinely lovely time.

Next day was a beautiful day so we went to the beach, which all four of us enjoy a lot. Goofs was playing happily in the freezing sea, while Snoops and I built sand castles. 5 min before going home Goofs was knocked down by a big wave! He was under the water for probably half a second, but that was enough for him to freak out and for Mummy to run to him with a dry towel. Again, we had some lovely cuddly moments when he was not an angry young man, but a tiny frightened boy who needed to feel safe. He totally let me in and I did go All In! After we got him into dry clothes we walked back to the house. He was holding my hand willingly and out of nowhere he said something along these lines 'I am safe, because my mummy will keep me safe always, right mummy?'

Me trying to resist the urge to do a happy dance pulled him up into another big hug and said 'always' and reassured him how much I love him and said all the things I have been saying to him therapeutically, but somehow his ears were open now and I didn't want to miss this unexpected opportunity!

In the meantime we changed tactics with his teacher and now every day she writes 3 positive things in his school-home book which we can discuss at home and there is room for both Goofs and parents to make additional comments. This gives us opportunities to learn more about him, it forces him to talk to us and in return we can praise, reassure and encourage him.

We've also had a few sessions of play therapy by now and although it is still very early stages his therapist can already see some improvements!

Add to the mix also all our wonderful friends around the world praying to a God 'who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think' and suddenly we have a little boy who is still often challenging, but who also shows now a sweet side to him, who wants to and is able to receive love and attachment. He is all cuddly and wants to spend time with us; he invites us into his imaginary play, he is happy to do his homework, helps out in the kitchen and just in general he is much less stressful to be around!

And you would think that with all the positives we have experienced and shared in relation to Snoops our family of four has finally turned the proverbial corner and after 4 months in placement things will improve and... yeah yeah yeah, all those warm fuzzy feelings usually associated with 'Annie, the everyone lives happy ever after adoption story'. Well, we hoped for that, too...

In a weird (but undoubtedly understandable) twist Snoops' behaviour started to deteriorate. According to the play therapist in their previous adoptive placement he was the 'difficult one, who couldn't fit in, always caused problems' and Goofs was having a much easier time attaching to that family. While Goofs was thriving there his brother was struggling and it affected every area of his life; his behaviour, his mental and emotional capacity, his school performance, his discomfort, fear and night terrors.

When he moved in with us, consciously or subconsciously Snoops decided/realised that if he can swap the roles around he might have a chance. We do not doubt his previous sincerity of love and desire for attachment and that's why it is so hard to see he is regressing into his old role of  'you are stupid, you are naughty, you are unlovable, you are nothing more than a constant problem'.

Last night I was able to have a conversation with him about this and he admitted that he is naughty now in school and at home on purpose. He knows (well, as far as a young traumatised child can know) what he is doing and the sad part is that he wants to continue this path. He doesn't allow himself to believe us anymore when we say we love him, he feels he doesn't love us anymore and he became aggressive towards Goofs. In his mind it is impossible for everybody to be happy. :(

So, to close on that same bad joke: Could that same person please return our sweet, clever, confident Snoops and take away his evil twin???